As I am getting nowhere fast with this one-liner malarkey, I have decided to change my act to make it more attractive to audiences, industry people and the Head of Comedy at Channel 5 (is there one? Someone look into that for me)
Hey guys! Now, I know what you're thinking; he is the bastard lovechild of Julia Somerville who used to read the news, and backbench Tory MP Christopher Pincher. (Pause for laughter and applause)
You know, I'm having some problems in my relationship recently. What it is, is that my partner doesn't want to be with me anymore because of my debilitating coke habit! (Pause for more laughter)
So she threw me out of the house, and I was walking down the road, when a man went past me on a bike, whilst wearing a karate outfit! What could that mean? Do you think he was maybe cycling to karate club, or something a bit more wacky?
"Hey, Bruce Lee!" I yelled at him, but he had already cycled at quite a pace and was out of earshot. See, the thing you should know about me is, I am actually a racist. (Pause for 'Oh my God, I can't believe what I'm hearing' laughter)
Yeah, I am actually a member of the Ku Klux Klan. (Carry on quickly so no wiseguys can point put that we don't have a KKK in this country) And I kind of embarrassed myself! I put my red undies in the wash with my robe! I know, I know! It was so embarrassing! I forgot to separate the whites!
It is at this point that I pause to allow for the MASSIVE laughs this punchline would create in the audience, who are by now so into my performance that they would all marry me. But then, I toy with their affections and play with their expectations of what stand-up comedy should be as I begin to deconstruct the art form.
So yeah, I'm standing here on stage, telling jokes. In my trousers. Telling those jokes in my trousers. Standing on this stage; wearing these trousers telling these jokes. Wearing my joke trousers. That's what I call them, because I wear them whilst telling jokes. And standing on stage. My stage joke trousers. That's what I call them because I wear them whilst standing on stage and telling jokes. In a comedy club. My stage joke comedy club trousers. That's what I call them because I wear them whilst standing on stage, telling jokes in a comedy club.
Now, I can tell that you're all looking at my trousers. Because after all, they are my stage joke comedy club trousers. And some of you are checking that my flies are done up. Which they are. I would never be so careless with my stage joke comedy club trousers. And you're probably thinking it would be funny if for some reason, my genitals were to be exposed. You're probably thinking that in your little brains. Your little brains that bob around in your skulls. In some kind of fluid. That's where you're thinking that.
And I think the fact that you're thinking that, in your tiny little brains that bob around in your skulls, in some kind of fluid, is the reason why most modern comedy is rubbish.
Thank you and good night!
I leave the stage to a standing ovation. Some audience members are openly weeping after all their narrow preconceptions of stand-up comedy were brutally torn asunder by the power of my intellect. I stand at the back of the room, basking in the love of the crowd, when a man comes up to me, gives me his card and tells me to call him. I look down at the card, and it says 'Head of Comedy at Channel 5' on it. This is initially very exciting, but then I turn it over and written on that side it says 'Cleaner at Channel 5', which isn't quite as glamorous. But then, it does come in handy when he springs into action, mopping up all the tears the crowd have shed due to my brilliance. And my trousers. My stage joke comedy club making everyone cry trousers.
Sunday, 19 June 2011
Sunday, 12 June 2011
Accordion
The accordion was my thing. I carried it everywhere I went, and people would often ask me questions about it, like 'Why are you carrying that around, this is a funeral?' And, 'If you're going to carry it with you all the time, how about learning to play something other than the Hokey Cokey?'
But I didn't listen because the accordion was what made me an individual. 'Here comes Accordion Pete,' people would say as they saw me coming. My name isn't Pete but I didn't want to correct them.
One night I was walking down a dark side street with my accordion when a person of ill repute lurched out from the shadows.
'Hands up,' he said, pointing a gun at me.
'Can't,' I replied. 'I'm carrying this accordion.'
With that he shot me and ran away. I braced myself for the searing pain which never came, and I looked down and saw that the bullet had lodged in my accordion, rendering the bellows inoperable. The accordion had saved my life. But what kind of life is it, with no accordion?
But I didn't listen because the accordion was what made me an individual. 'Here comes Accordion Pete,' people would say as they saw me coming. My name isn't Pete but I didn't want to correct them.
One night I was walking down a dark side street with my accordion when a person of ill repute lurched out from the shadows.
'Hands up,' he said, pointing a gun at me.
'Can't,' I replied. 'I'm carrying this accordion.'
With that he shot me and ran away. I braced myself for the searing pain which never came, and I looked down and saw that the bullet had lodged in my accordion, rendering the bellows inoperable. The accordion had saved my life. But what kind of life is it, with no accordion?
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
Monday, 25 April 2011
Deleted Scenes
Given the appalling infrequency of which I update this site, you'll be surprised to learn that I actually write a blog every single day.
'Every single day?' I hear you cry. 'But where are these blogs, where have you hidden them?'
Well, I can answer that question; you see, I am such a perfectionist and my standards are so stringent, that only the very best blogs are ever seen by the public. But now, in the spirit of Easter time sharing and joy, I will publish excerpts from past unseen blogs for the very first time. Enjoy...
I find it very difficult to pickle an onion without thinking about how much easier it would be to just buy a jar of pre-pickled onions from the supermarket. But this is an obstacle I will have to overcome if I am ever to realise my dream of owning my own onion pickling factory.
- from the blog 'Onions' 19/2/2009
Discotheques are all very well and good, but they'll never replace the experience of a full brass section parping in one's face.
- from the blog 'Bad fart jokes' 2/7/2009
If Shakespeare were alive today, there are many questions I would like to ask him, such as 'How did you live to be so old?'
- from the blog 'Shakespeare in Gloves' 29/11/2009
Why can't I get on the telly? Is it because I don't have big hair, skinny jeans and a tendency to talk about 'random' things that happened to me? Or is it because the bigwigs can't deal with the way I constantly speak in patois?
- from the blog 'The rantings of a struggling, bitter comedian' 3/2/2010
I think what sets me out from the crowd is my keen attention to detial.
- from the blog 'My CV' 5/9/2010
The man told me the only show I'd ever be on was Crimewatch. Which turned out to be true, because after he said that I killed him.
- from the blog 'The rantings of a struggling, bitter comedian part two' 2/12/2010
'Every single day?' I hear you cry. 'But where are these blogs, where have you hidden them?'
Well, I can answer that question; you see, I am such a perfectionist and my standards are so stringent, that only the very best blogs are ever seen by the public. But now, in the spirit of Easter time sharing and joy, I will publish excerpts from past unseen blogs for the very first time. Enjoy...
I find it very difficult to pickle an onion without thinking about how much easier it would be to just buy a jar of pre-pickled onions from the supermarket. But this is an obstacle I will have to overcome if I am ever to realise my dream of owning my own onion pickling factory.
- from the blog 'Onions' 19/2/2009
Discotheques are all very well and good, but they'll never replace the experience of a full brass section parping in one's face.
- from the blog 'Bad fart jokes' 2/7/2009
If Shakespeare were alive today, there are many questions I would like to ask him, such as 'How did you live to be so old?'
- from the blog 'Shakespeare in Gloves' 29/11/2009
Why can't I get on the telly? Is it because I don't have big hair, skinny jeans and a tendency to talk about 'random' things that happened to me? Or is it because the bigwigs can't deal with the way I constantly speak in patois?
- from the blog 'The rantings of a struggling, bitter comedian' 3/2/2010
I think what sets me out from the crowd is my keen attention to detial.
- from the blog 'My CV' 5/9/2010
The man told me the only show I'd ever be on was Crimewatch. Which turned out to be true, because after he said that I killed him.
- from the blog 'The rantings of a struggling, bitter comedian part two' 2/12/2010
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
Facebook!
Facebook! Shit! It’s the future! Shit!
It has come to my attention recently that I have been ‘de-friended’ by five people on that Facebook. Five people! Now, to someone with 2000 ‘friends’ on there, that doesn’t make much of a dent, but when you have as few as me, you begin to notice, and begin to question what it is that’s causing people to ‘de-friend’ you.
Is it because I comment on everyone’s status updates with ‘lol’, regardless of whether what they were saying was funny?
Is it because I overuse the affectionate nickname ‘Fats’ when commenting on their photos?
Is it because I insist on telling everyone what I’m doing all the time, including toilet visits?
Well, if they don’t like it, they can go to hell. No, I don’t mean that, I miss them. Especially that one. That one whose status updates were 40% complaining about traffic and 60% thinly veiled homoerotic fantasies about John Barrowman. Take me back! Please!
It has come to my attention recently that I have been ‘de-friended’ by five people on that Facebook. Five people! Now, to someone with 2000 ‘friends’ on there, that doesn’t make much of a dent, but when you have as few as me, you begin to notice, and begin to question what it is that’s causing people to ‘de-friend’ you.
Is it because I comment on everyone’s status updates with ‘lol’, regardless of whether what they were saying was funny?
Is it because I overuse the affectionate nickname ‘Fats’ when commenting on their photos?
Is it because I insist on telling everyone what I’m doing all the time, including toilet visits?
Well, if they don’t like it, they can go to hell. No, I don’t mean that, I miss them. Especially that one. That one whose status updates were 40% complaining about traffic and 60% thinly veiled homoerotic fantasies about John Barrowman. Take me back! Please!
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
Me no hablo
I find the British abroad embarrassing. I am personally ashamed that we cannot speak any other languages and expect everyone else to learn ours.
For example, when I was in Spain, this man came up to me and said, 'Hola. Estoy buscando para comprar algunos medicamentos en el área. ¿Sabe usted dónde podría ser capaz de conseguir algo de lo que mi amigo y yo podemos alcanzar un estado químicamente mejorado alucinógenas de la conciencia? Su ayuda en este tema sería muy apreciada ya que todos estamos muy interesados en comprar algunos medicamentos. Tengo sido informóque este es un buen lugar para adquirirlos, pero no estoy seguro del lugar específico a seguir. Además, puede que necesite un cajero automático como tengo algo de dinero en mi poder, pero quizás no lo suficiente para comprar la cantidad de medicamentos que se necesitan. Me han dicho que voy a comprar, ya que es el cumpleaños de mi amigo y será un regalo especial para él. Gracias por su ayuda en este asunto.'
And I had no idea what he was talking about.
For example, when I was in Spain, this man came up to me and said, 'Hola. Estoy buscando para comprar algunos medicamentos en el área. ¿Sabe usted dónde podría ser capaz de conseguir algo de lo que mi amigo y yo podemos alcanzar un estado químicamente mejorado alucinógenas de la conciencia? Su ayuda en este tema sería muy apreciada ya que todos estamos muy interesados en comprar algunos medicamentos. Tengo sido informóque este es un buen lugar para adquirirlos, pero no estoy seguro del lugar específico a seguir. Además, puede que necesite un cajero automático como tengo algo de dinero en mi poder, pero quizás no lo suficiente para comprar la cantidad de medicamentos que se necesitan. Me han dicho que voy a comprar, ya que es el cumpleaños de mi amigo y será un regalo especial para él. Gracias por su ayuda en este asunto.'
And I had no idea what he was talking about.
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
Monday, 28 March 2011
I bet...
I bet the worst thing about being a dragon is people always asking you for a light. It's like, what am I, your own personal lighter? Use a match. Or better still, give up smoking. God, I'm getting angry just thinking about it.
Thursday, 24 March 2011
Things I saw...
I saw a clown get run over. It really made me ponder the absurdity of life. I called an ambulance afterwards, but it was too late. Time sure does fly when you're a-ponderin'.
I saw a spectacular spring time sunset. If you ask me, there's nothing more beautiful than that. But you didn't ask me so forget I even said anything.
I saw a man trying to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together. Man, no wonder he's the cheapest arsonist at the agency.
I saw two guys piling stuff on a donkey, it reminded me of that old board game, the Game of Life. That donkey has lost at the Game of Life.
I saw a dude fall down on the pavement and lie there motionless. 'He must be drunk,' I thought. Later on I walked past again and some ambulance guys were shocking him but he still wasn't moving. I was wrong. He wasn't drunk, he was wasted.
I saw a spectacular spring time sunset. If you ask me, there's nothing more beautiful than that. But you didn't ask me so forget I even said anything.
I saw a man trying to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together. Man, no wonder he's the cheapest arsonist at the agency.
I saw two guys piling stuff on a donkey, it reminded me of that old board game, the Game of Life. That donkey has lost at the Game of Life.
I saw a dude fall down on the pavement and lie there motionless. 'He must be drunk,' I thought. Later on I walked past again and some ambulance guys were shocking him but he still wasn't moving. I was wrong. He wasn't drunk, he was wasted.
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
My (rejected) Chortle Correspondents piece
I sent an article into Chortle Correspondents but it has yet to be published, so I've decided to publish it exclusively here. See if you can figure out why it was rejected...
Some things I don't like about comedy by Ben 'Pimpmaster 3000' Davids
What I like most about comedy is the laffs. The laffs are what have kept me going during my years as a stand up alternative comic.
But some people like to laff at things that I’m not so keen on.
Paedos
Racism
I hate racism in all its forms, but there’s some that take it too far. I did a corker about a Chinese bloke sat in the front row and all of a sudden everyone was calling me a racist! I was like, ‘All you Chinese talk weird!’ And he was saying, ‘I’m not even Chinese, I’m German!’ Political correctness gone mad.
Whimsy
I don’t like whimsical comedy very much at all. I saw one bloke going on about fairies and donkey headed people for hours once! I was like, ‘Talk about something we can all relate to, like doing summat on a bus that u wouldn’t normally do on a bus!’ Then they asked me to leave the high school production of a Midsummer Night’s Dream! A JOKE! ALWAYS WORKING!
Sitcoms
Not as funny as they used to be. Too much canned laughter. How do they fit all of it in a can anyway? I reckon you could fit all of the laughter from today’s sitcoms into a proper small can, and then put it at the back of your cupboard until about five years later when you give it to your local primary school for their Harvest festival, and they send it to Africa, and they open it there and some laughter comes out, and they think, ‘Cheeky bastards.’
Some things I don't like about comedy by Ben 'Pimpmaster 3000' Davids
What I like most about comedy is the laffs. The laffs are what have kept me going during my years as a stand up alternative comic.
But some people like to laff at things that I’m not so keen on.
Paedos
They are well shit, but some people think they’re funny. How would you like it if Roman Polanski interfered with you in a sexual way? Not very much I fancy.
Roman Polanski
Racism
I hate racism in all its forms, but there’s some that take it too far. I did a corker about a Chinese bloke sat in the front row and all of a sudden everyone was calling me a racist! I was like, ‘All you Chinese talk weird!’ And he was saying, ‘I’m not even Chinese, I’m German!’ Political correctness gone mad.
A Chinese man
Whimsy
I don’t like whimsical comedy very much at all. I saw one bloke going on about fairies and donkey headed people for hours once! I was like, ‘Talk about something we can all relate to, like doing summat on a bus that u wouldn’t normally do on a bus!’ Then they asked me to leave the high school production of a Midsummer Night’s Dream! A JOKE! ALWAYS WORKING!
Shit
The Fringe
What is the Fringe, eh? What is it? According to Wikipedia , it’s the world’s largest arts festival and runs for four weeks every August. Well, I suppose that answers that.
Sitcoms
Not as funny as they used to be. Too much canned laughter. How do they fit all of it in a can anyway? I reckon you could fit all of the laughter from today’s sitcoms into a proper small can, and then put it at the back of your cupboard until about five years later when you give it to your local primary school for their Harvest festival, and they send it to Africa, and they open it there and some laughter comes out, and they think, ‘Cheeky bastards.’
A small can of laughter
Conclusion
I like some kinds of comedy and don’t like others. If you disagree with me, please write a reply piece. But if you do, so help me God, I will stab you in the ear while you sleep.
Wednesday, 5 January 2011
I can't pronounce you man and wife
WOMAN: You should have seen his face; he was high rate.
MAN: You mean irate.
WOMAN: That's what I said; high rate.
MAN: No, it's irate.
WOMAN: High rate.
MAN: Irate.
WOMAN: High rate.
MAN: Irate.
WOMAN: Whatever. Harsehole.
MAN: You mean irate.
WOMAN: That's what I said; high rate.
MAN: No, it's irate.
WOMAN: High rate.
MAN: Irate.
WOMAN: High rate.
MAN: Irate.
WOMAN: Whatever. Harsehole.
Sunday, 2 January 2011
NEW BLOG!
Aaaargh! Anyway, the reason I haven't updated this blog for a while is because I've been busy with things. You know, Christmas, New Year, Hannukah, Kwanzaa. Things like that.
Of course, all these festivities mean that I have to be out a lot, which isn't very fair on my dog, so when I leave, I always put a nice radio station on for him. Unless he's been a bad boy. Then I put Chris Moyles on. Even the dog's intelligence was insulted.
ZING! He's back!
Of course, all these festivities mean that I have to be out a lot, which isn't very fair on my dog, so when I leave, I always put a nice radio station on for him. Unless he's been a bad boy. Then I put Chris Moyles on. Even the dog's intelligence was insulted.
ZING! He's back!
Sunday, 7 November 2010
Friday, 24 September 2010
That thing...
You know that thing where you think about someone who's died, and you think they're still alive, but then you remember that they're dead?
And then you laugh to yourself because you know, duh! Thicko! And then someone asks you why you're laughing and you say, 'I just remembered Aunty Beryl's dead.'
That thing, my friend, that thing will get you into all kinds of trouble.
And then you laugh to yourself because you know, duh! Thicko! And then someone asks you why you're laughing and you say, 'I just remembered Aunty Beryl's dead.'
That thing, my friend, that thing will get you into all kinds of trouble.
Friday, 13 August 2010
Friday the 13th
Today is Friday the 13th, the unluckiest of all days. In fact, whilst writing that first sentence I broke two of my fingers. Now three. Now four. Now a thumb. I should probably stop typing.
Stupid explosive keyboard.
Stupid explosive keyboard.
Memories of my university days...
I remember when I took that first semester at university, thinking to myself how different it all was from school.
One key difference was the way we could swear in seminars without being told off.
'Shitfingers,' one student would remark.
'Fannyflaps,' another would retort.
'Sticky ginger pubes,' another would wryly observe.
Yes, I still treasure my time at Nottingham Tourette's University.
One key difference was the way we could swear in seminars without being told off.
'Shitfingers,' one student would remark.
'Fannyflaps,' another would retort.
'Sticky ginger pubes,' another would wryly observe.
Yes, I still treasure my time at Nottingham Tourette's University.
Thursday, 29 July 2010
Edinbrrr!
I'm very excited now as I'll soon be departing for the Edinbrrr Fringe Festival, where I'll be performing my debut solo show, 'Him with the Hairy Mango' at the Laughing Horse Free Fringe venue 9999 (the Hangman's Knacker, Leith.)
My show will be a frank, autobiographical yarn taking in the first eight years of my life.
LAUGH as I point at a man in the front row and insinuate his shirt is gay.
WEEP as I tell you about the tragic death of my grandad/hamster.
SHIT as you leave the room and sit on the toilet.
PUT some money in the bucket at the end because I need ketamine.
That's 'Him With the Hairy Mango' at the Hangman's Knacker, Leith.
Preview Quotes
'Adequate,' Tamworth Times.
'He tore the roof off the place!' Witness statement after my bulldozer rampage.
'A... show, with plenty... of... laughs. The... show I have ever seen.' Ellipsis Weekly
My show will be a frank, autobiographical yarn taking in the first eight years of my life.
LAUGH as I point at a man in the front row and insinuate his shirt is gay.
WEEP as I tell you about the tragic death of my grandad/hamster.
SHIT as you leave the room and sit on the toilet.
PUT some money in the bucket at the end because I need ketamine.
That's 'Him With the Hairy Mango' at the Hangman's Knacker, Leith.
Preview Quotes
'Adequate,' Tamworth Times.
'He tore the roof off the place!' Witness statement after my bulldozer rampage.
'A... show, with plenty... of... laughs. The... show I have ever seen.' Ellipsis Weekly
Friday, 16 July 2010
A World War One poem by Siegfried Sissy
Mud.
Mud everywhere.
Honestly, I can't get over how muddy it is.
I'm covered.
In the stuff.
Mother sent some clean socks,
But I accidentally dropped them in the mud.
I bloody hate mud.
Mud everywhere.
Honestly, I can't get over how muddy it is.
I'm covered.
In the stuff.
Mother sent some clean socks,
But I accidentally dropped them in the mud.
I bloody hate mud.
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
An excerpt from an action movie I'm writing
Dr Shazam: Games up, O'Malley. All exits are sealed and the bomb will go off in two minutes. You're finished.
O'Malley: What?
(The film is called O'Malley the Deaf Assassin.)
O'Malley: What?
(The film is called O'Malley the Deaf Assassin.)
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
Clocks
The man prized his clock that stood on his shelf. It was given to him on his birth and he treasured it ever since. Remarkably, at the moment of his death, it stopped. Never to tick again. This was so notable, it even made the newspapers...
MAN BEATEN TO DEATH WITH CLOCK
MAN BEATEN TO DEATH WITH CLOCK
Sunday, 20 June 2010
Like a broken record
People always tell me I’m like a broken record,
Because I keep telling them about my collection of broken records.
I wonder if I’ve broken a record,
For the biggest collection of broken records.
I asked them at the office of broken records,
If there was a record for the biggest collection of broken records,
And they said there was already a broken record,
For the biggest collection of broken records.
A man in America has ten thousand broken records,
Which has broken my record,
Because I have only three hundred broken records,
And if I want to achieve a broken record,
I’d need to get a lot more broken records.
So I’m always on the lookout for broken records,
To add to my collection of broken records,
And maybe one day I’ll have a broken record,
For the biggest collection of broken records,
But first, I need to find nine thousand seven hundred and one broken records,
And add them to my three hundred broken records,
If I’m ever to get my own broken record,
For the biggest collection of broken records,
And maybe then I’ll stop sounding like a broken record.
Because I keep telling them about my collection of broken records.
I wonder if I’ve broken a record,
For the biggest collection of broken records.
I asked them at the office of broken records,
If there was a record for the biggest collection of broken records,
And they said there was already a broken record,
For the biggest collection of broken records.
A man in America has ten thousand broken records,
Which has broken my record,
Because I have only three hundred broken records,
And if I want to achieve a broken record,
I’d need to get a lot more broken records.
So I’m always on the lookout for broken records,
To add to my collection of broken records,
And maybe one day I’ll have a broken record,
For the biggest collection of broken records,
But first, I need to find nine thousand seven hundred and one broken records,
And add them to my three hundred broken records,
If I’m ever to get my own broken record,
For the biggest collection of broken records,
And maybe then I’ll stop sounding like a broken record.
Thursday, 17 June 2010
The Adventures of Socially Awkward Man: Part 6
When he isn't online, being too socially awkward to tell other men to put away their penises on Chatroulette, Socially Awkward Man likes to go out and indulge in a bit of nightlife, as it is only there that his true socially awkward nature can reach its full potential.
In this edition, our hero visits a nightclub and encounters a local character.
Idea for a horror film.
A man wakes up in the woods. He can't remember how he got there, but knows that he has to find his way home. Throughout the night he is pursued by demons and monsters, but he eventually reaches a clearing, where he finds his old van. He gets in, starts the engine and drives away, breathing a sigh of relief. It's then , in the film's final scene that he looks in his rear view mirror and sees a monster sitting in his back seat.
The lights in the auditorium go up and your eyes adjust as the credits roll. you think about leaving but then you look down and OH MY GOD! YOU'VE SPILLED POPCORN ALL OVER YOUR TROUSERS!
The lights in the auditorium go up and your eyes adjust as the credits roll. you think about leaving but then you look down and OH MY GOD! YOU'VE SPILLED POPCORN ALL OVER YOUR TROUSERS!
Wednesday, 9 June 2010
England's World Cup Squad: My Verdict
Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past few months, you’ll know that the World Cup starts this week. My friend Delwyn has actually been living under a rock, but has Wifi, so stays in touch with what’s happening in the world of sport. I have no idea what relevance this has to anything.
Anyway, as a “pundit” of football, I have put together a critique of Flavio Capelli’s England squadron. Incidentally, I just went to the greengrocers and bought a “pundit” of strawberries and they were delicious.
Goalkeepers
David James
The thing about “Jamesey” is that he’s really old. I mean like, eighty years old. And you have to ask yourself, should an eighty year old man really be playing football, or sport such a flamboyant hairstyle? How about a career in gardening, granddad?
Robert Green
Robert Green plays for West Ham. You know, when I was younger I thought that “Ham” must be short for something, like “Hambury” or “Hambone.” But you know what? It isn’t.
Joe Hart
Joe Hart is probably my sixth favourite member of the Hart Foundation, behind Bret, Owen, Davy Boy Smith, Jim “the Anvil” and Hart FM.
Defenders
Glen Johnson
Glen Johnson was signed by Liverpool for £17 million last year. 17 million. It would take me about 900 years to save up that amount of money, and by that time he’d have probably retired anyway.
Ashley Cole
Ashley Cole, Ashley Cole, Ashley Ashley Cole. When he gets the ball he scores a goal, Ashley Ashley Cole!
Michael Dawson
I never watched Dawson’s Creek, and yet I don’t like it because it was a precursor to terrible television shows like the OC and One Tree Hill. Avoid him unless it’s an emergency.
John Terry
He reckons he’s twenty-nine, right? So then why does he have the face of a fifty year old? And how did he manage to have an affair with a sexy underwear model? Answer: He has a GSOH.
Stephen Warnock
Stephen Warnock is a left back. Let’s hope he doesn’t get “left back” in the dressing room! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. AAAAAAAH HAHAHHAHAAAA HAHA HA…
Matthew Upson
HAAAAA HA HA HA HAAA! LEFT BACK IN THE DRESSING ROOM! OH SHIT, I AM SUCH A JOKER! BAAAA HA HA HA HAAAAA!
Jamie Carragher
Remember those Harry Enfield characters from the 90s? The ones that went, “Ay, ay, calm down, calm down”? No? Me neither.
Ledley King
What many people don’t know about Ledley, when they complain about him always being injured, is that his legs are made of balsawood and candy floss.
Midfielders
Steven Gerrard
Thanks to the injuries of “Her name is” Rio Ferdinand, Steven Gerrard is now the captain of England. If England win the world cup, he’s going to celebrate by undergoing forehead normalising surgery with Ant from Ant and Dec, in which a portion of Ant’s forehead will be grafted onto his. Also, he has already prepared a speech if England win, which consists entirely of the words, ‘lads’, ‘erm’, ‘obviously’ and ‘pleased’.
Aaron Lennon
Wouldn’t it be great if he was related to John Lennon? That would be amazing.
Frank Lampard
Old Lamp, that’s what they call him at Stanford Park where “Chelsea Rovers” play. Old Lamp is the Vice-Captain of England, which means whenever Gerrard goes to the toilet or something like that, he lords it around the camp like he’s Mr Important or something like that, and even slapped Joe Hart across the face because he refused to call him Captain Lamp. What I’m trying to say is, Old Lamp is like Dick Cheney.
Joe Cole
Joey Cole, Joey Cole, Joey Joey Cole, when he gets the ball he scores the goal, Joey Joey Cole!
Gareth Barry
He looks a bit like Dick van Dyke doesn’t he? What, you don’t think so, either? I’ve never found anyone who agrees with me on that one.
James Milner
I don’t understand who he is. He’s not really famous like “David Beckhamands” or anyone like that, he’s just some guy. In fact, if I were to see him in the street, I wouldn’t be that bothered. I mean, I’d ask for an autograph, but in a really half-arsed way. Like, facing away from him or something like that.
Shaun Wright-Phillips
SWP is what they call him, but don’t confuse him with the lady from Sex with the City, Sarah Wessica Parker, because he doesn’t like that. He’s the first player with a double-barrelled name to represent England since Steve McManaman-Amanaman in 2000. The Wright part is taken from his father, Matthew and the Phillips is from his mother, a kettle.
Michael Carrick
As well as being a midfielder, Carrick is also an avid collector of fridge magnets letters. When asked how he felt being part of Capelli’s squad, he said, “REALLY GR38T!”
Strikers
Peter Crouch
He’s very tall, which means it’s very funny that his name is “Crouch”, because that is what he would have to do to get through your average doorway. No-one has ever measured him successfully, because whenever they try, he just goes, “Crouch no like!” and flails his limbs around, wounding anyone within a three hundred yard “radius”. If you’re wondering why someone doesn’t just measure him while he’s asleep, well then, why don’t you do it? Smart arse.
Jermain Defoe
Striker, lover, brother of Hollywood actor Willem; Jermain Defoe is a complex character. Why is it that he scores freely for his club, Tottenham Hopspurn, but rarely finds the net in an England shirt? Is it because the England shirt is too heavy? Someone look into that for me. I’d do it, but I have a pie in the oven.
Emile Heskey
Did you know there’s a drinking game, where the players must drink every time Mr Heskey falls over? I played it once. Yes, I was alone, and yes I wasn’t watching him on the football field, but rather watching him walk through a town centre, and yes, the only way I could get even slightly tipsy was to keep tripping him, but so what? I’m a free spirit. A free, don’t-give-a-damn Heskey tripping spirit.
Wayne Rooney
The dilemma about Rooney is whether to play him as a lone striker, where he would be reliant on good service from the flanks, and an attacking central midfielder playing a supporting role, or whether to play him with another striker, who may act as a foil, allowing him to play deeper and win possession. Oh sorry, “LOL SHRECK!”
Anyway, as a “pundit” of football, I have put together a critique of Flavio Capelli’s England squadron. Incidentally, I just went to the greengrocers and bought a “pundit” of strawberries and they were delicious.
Goalkeepers
David James
The thing about “Jamesey” is that he’s really old. I mean like, eighty years old. And you have to ask yourself, should an eighty year old man really be playing football, or sport such a flamboyant hairstyle? How about a career in gardening, granddad?
Robert Green
Robert Green plays for West Ham. You know, when I was younger I thought that “Ham” must be short for something, like “Hambury” or “Hambone.” But you know what? It isn’t.
Joe Hart
Joe Hart is probably my sixth favourite member of the Hart Foundation, behind Bret, Owen, Davy Boy Smith, Jim “the Anvil” and Hart FM.
Defenders
Glen Johnson
Glen Johnson was signed by Liverpool for £17 million last year. 17 million. It would take me about 900 years to save up that amount of money, and by that time he’d have probably retired anyway.
Ashley Cole
Ashley Cole, Ashley Cole, Ashley Ashley Cole. When he gets the ball he scores a goal, Ashley Ashley Cole!
Michael Dawson
I never watched Dawson’s Creek, and yet I don’t like it because it was a precursor to terrible television shows like the OC and One Tree Hill. Avoid him unless it’s an emergency.
John Terry
He reckons he’s twenty-nine, right? So then why does he have the face of a fifty year old? And how did he manage to have an affair with a sexy underwear model? Answer: He has a GSOH.
Stephen Warnock
Stephen Warnock is a left back. Let’s hope he doesn’t get “left back” in the dressing room! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. AAAAAAAH HAHAHHAHAAAA HAHA HA…
Matthew Upson
HAAAAA HA HA HA HAAA! LEFT BACK IN THE DRESSING ROOM! OH SHIT, I AM SUCH A JOKER! BAAAA HA HA HA HAAAAA!
Jamie Carragher
Remember those Harry Enfield characters from the 90s? The ones that went, “Ay, ay, calm down, calm down”? No? Me neither.
Ledley King
What many people don’t know about Ledley, when they complain about him always being injured, is that his legs are made of balsawood and candy floss.
Midfielders
Steven Gerrard
Thanks to the injuries of “Her name is” Rio Ferdinand, Steven Gerrard is now the captain of England. If England win the world cup, he’s going to celebrate by undergoing forehead normalising surgery with Ant from Ant and Dec, in which a portion of Ant’s forehead will be grafted onto his. Also, he has already prepared a speech if England win, which consists entirely of the words, ‘lads’, ‘erm’, ‘obviously’ and ‘pleased’.
Aaron Lennon
Wouldn’t it be great if he was related to John Lennon? That would be amazing.
Frank Lampard
Old Lamp, that’s what they call him at Stanford Park where “Chelsea Rovers” play. Old Lamp is the Vice-Captain of England, which means whenever Gerrard goes to the toilet or something like that, he lords it around the camp like he’s Mr Important or something like that, and even slapped Joe Hart across the face because he refused to call him Captain Lamp. What I’m trying to say is, Old Lamp is like Dick Cheney.
Joe Cole
Joey Cole, Joey Cole, Joey Joey Cole, when he gets the ball he scores the goal, Joey Joey Cole!
Gareth Barry
He looks a bit like Dick van Dyke doesn’t he? What, you don’t think so, either? I’ve never found anyone who agrees with me on that one.
James Milner
I don’t understand who he is. He’s not really famous like “David Beckhamands” or anyone like that, he’s just some guy. In fact, if I were to see him in the street, I wouldn’t be that bothered. I mean, I’d ask for an autograph, but in a really half-arsed way. Like, facing away from him or something like that.
Shaun Wright-Phillips
SWP is what they call him, but don’t confuse him with the lady from Sex with the City, Sarah Wessica Parker, because he doesn’t like that. He’s the first player with a double-barrelled name to represent England since Steve McManaman-Amanaman in 2000. The Wright part is taken from his father, Matthew and the Phillips is from his mother, a kettle.
Michael Carrick
As well as being a midfielder, Carrick is also an avid collector of fridge magnets letters. When asked how he felt being part of Capelli’s squad, he said, “REALLY GR38T!”
Strikers
Peter Crouch
He’s very tall, which means it’s very funny that his name is “Crouch”, because that is what he would have to do to get through your average doorway. No-one has ever measured him successfully, because whenever they try, he just goes, “Crouch no like!” and flails his limbs around, wounding anyone within a three hundred yard “radius”. If you’re wondering why someone doesn’t just measure him while he’s asleep, well then, why don’t you do it? Smart arse.
Jermain Defoe
Striker, lover, brother of Hollywood actor Willem; Jermain Defoe is a complex character. Why is it that he scores freely for his club, Tottenham Hopspurn, but rarely finds the net in an England shirt? Is it because the England shirt is too heavy? Someone look into that for me. I’d do it, but I have a pie in the oven.
Emile Heskey
Did you know there’s a drinking game, where the players must drink every time Mr Heskey falls over? I played it once. Yes, I was alone, and yes I wasn’t watching him on the football field, but rather watching him walk through a town centre, and yes, the only way I could get even slightly tipsy was to keep tripping him, but so what? I’m a free spirit. A free, don’t-give-a-damn Heskey tripping spirit.
Wayne Rooney
The dilemma about Rooney is whether to play him as a lone striker, where he would be reliant on good service from the flanks, and an attacking central midfielder playing a supporting role, or whether to play him with another striker, who may act as a foil, allowing him to play deeper and win possession. Oh sorry, “LOL SHRECK!”
Thursday, 27 May 2010
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
Survival Tips
The best thing to do when confronted by a chainsaw-wielding maniac is to not look like a tree.
If you're being attacked by a bear, always crap your pants because it may put him off. But at least if it doesn't, ha ha, he ate your crap.
Baby tigers might look like a fun pet, but remember, they grow up, and let's face it, imagine how much it'd cost to have that thing neutered.
When falling off a cliff, try to aim away from the jagged rocks. If you do end up landing on them, try moving a little to the left when you next fall off.
If you're being attacked by a bear, always crap your pants because it may put him off. But at least if it doesn't, ha ha, he ate your crap.
Baby tigers might look like a fun pet, but remember, they grow up, and let's face it, imagine how much it'd cost to have that thing neutered.
When falling off a cliff, try to aim away from the jagged rocks. If you do end up landing on them, try moving a little to the left when you next fall off.
Tuesday, 25 May 2010
The Adventures of Socially Awkward Man: Part Four
Batman has Robin, Captain America has Bucky, Simon has Garfunkel, so why shouldn't Socially Awkward Man have a sidekick? Well, probably because he's not very good in social situations, but what the hell? He gets lonely in his Socially Awkward Cave.
After many years of searching, our hero found the perfect sidekick. What follows is their first meeting...
After many years of searching, our hero found the perfect sidekick. What follows is their first meeting...
Sunday, 23 May 2010
Saturday, 22 May 2010
Garden Philosophy
There was a couple who lived in the house next door to me for over forty years. They raised a family there, they grew old there. Then, when they eventually became too frail to live independently, they moved to a nursing home, where they both died.
The old man used to have a bench in the garden where he would survey his domain; beans shot up poles and lettuces grew next to carrots. It was a scene of self-sufficiency and fertility.
Now a young couple with children have moved in. The old bench is gone and a trampoline stands where the beans used to grow. I looked at this and thought that it might be nice to come up with some stirring statements about how the transformation of the garden is a metaphor for the circle of life, or even that it is a metaphor for the how the materialism of this generation has done away with the austerity and authenticity of the old couple's generation.
But, to be honest I was mainly wondering how they got that "old people" smell out of the house.
The old man used to have a bench in the garden where he would survey his domain; beans shot up poles and lettuces grew next to carrots. It was a scene of self-sufficiency and fertility.
Now a young couple with children have moved in. The old bench is gone and a trampoline stands where the beans used to grow. I looked at this and thought that it might be nice to come up with some stirring statements about how the transformation of the garden is a metaphor for the circle of life, or even that it is a metaphor for the how the materialism of this generation has done away with the austerity and authenticity of the old couple's generation.
But, to be honest I was mainly wondering how they got that "old people" smell out of the house.
Wednesday, 19 May 2010
Birds and the Bees
BOY: Daddy, how are babies made?
DAD: The stork brings them.
BOY: And how are baby storks made?
DAD: Sex.
DAD: The stork brings them.
BOY: And how are baby storks made?
DAD: Sex.
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
The Adventures of Socially Awkward Man: Part 3
Since Socially Awkward Man was born onto the world wide interhighway, he has offended an immigrant and a mother. Who's next?
Well, we may find out soon enough. You see, Socially Awkward Man was invited to one of the most awkward of all social events; the barbeque. After agonising for hours over whether to bring his own booze, he relented and bought a bottle of Cherry B's from the off license and arrived at the soiree already flustered.
Soon afterwards, he was accosted by the coolest dude at the party (he must be cool, he has 186 Facebook friends) and conversation soon turned to everyone's favourite TV series, you know the one. What follows is awkward.
Well, we may find out soon enough. You see, Socially Awkward Man was invited to one of the most awkward of all social events; the barbeque. After agonising for hours over whether to bring his own booze, he relented and bought a bottle of Cherry B's from the off license and arrived at the soiree already flustered.
Soon afterwards, he was accosted by the coolest dude at the party (he must be cool, he has 186 Facebook friends) and conversation soon turned to everyone's favourite TV series, you know the one. What follows is awkward.
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