Tuesday, 22 March 2011

My (rejected) Chortle Correspondents piece

I sent an article into Chortle Correspondents but it has yet to be published, so I've decided to publish it exclusively here. See if you can figure out why it was rejected...

Some things I don't like about comedy by Ben 'Pimpmaster 3000' Davids

What I like most about comedy is the laffs. The laffs are what have kept me going during my years as a stand up alternative comic.

But some people like to laff at things that I’m not so keen on.

They are well shit, but some people think they’re funny. How would you like it if Roman Polanski interfered with you in a sexual way? Not very much I fancy.

Roman Polanski

I hate racism in all its forms, but there’s some that take it too far. I did a corker about a Chinese bloke sat in the front row and all of a sudden everyone was calling me a racist! I was like, ‘All you Chinese talk weird!’ And he was saying, ‘I’m not even Chinese, I’m German!’ Political correctness gone mad.

                                                 A Chinese man

I don’t like whimsical comedy very much at all. I saw one bloke going on about fairies and donkey headed people for hours once! I was like, ‘Talk about something we can all relate to, like doing summat on a bus that u wouldn’t normally do on a bus!’ Then they asked me to leave the high school production of a Midsummer Night’s Dream! A JOKE! ALWAYS WORKING!


The Fringe
What is the Fringe, eh? What is it? According to Wikipedia , it’s the world’s largest arts festival and runs for four weeks every August. Well, I suppose that answers that.

Not as funny as they used to be. Too much canned laughter. How do they fit all of it in a can anyway? I reckon you could fit all of the laughter from today’s sitcoms into a proper small can, and then put it at the back of your cupboard until about five years later when you give it to your local primary school for their Harvest festival, and they send it to Africa, and they open it there and some laughter comes out, and they think, ‘Cheeky bastards.’

A small can of laughter

I like some kinds of comedy and don’t like others. If you disagree with me, please write a reply piece. But if you do, so help me God, I will stab you in the ear while you sleep.

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