Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past few months, you’ll know that the World Cup starts this week. My friend Delwyn has actually been living under a rock, but has Wifi, so stays in touch with what’s happening in the world of sport. I have no idea what relevance this has to anything.
Anyway, as a “pundit” of football, I have put together a critique of Flavio Capelli’s England squadron. Incidentally, I just went to the greengrocers and bought a “pundit” of strawberries and they were delicious.
Goalkeepers
David James
The thing about “Jamesey” is that he’s really old. I mean like, eighty years old. And you have to ask yourself, should an eighty year old man really be playing football, or sport such a flamboyant hairstyle? How about a career in gardening, granddad?
Robert Green
Robert Green plays for West Ham. You know, when I was younger I thought that “Ham” must be short for something, like “Hambury” or “Hambone.” But you know what? It isn’t.
Joe Hart
Joe Hart is probably my sixth favourite member of the Hart Foundation, behind Bret, Owen, Davy Boy Smith, Jim “the Anvil” and Hart FM.
Defenders
Glen Johnson
Glen Johnson was signed by Liverpool for £17 million last year. 17 million. It would take me about 900 years to save up that amount of money, and by that time he’d have probably retired anyway.
Ashley Cole
Ashley Cole, Ashley Cole, Ashley Ashley Cole. When he gets the ball he scores a goal, Ashley Ashley Cole!
Michael Dawson
I never watched Dawson’s Creek, and yet I don’t like it because it was a precursor to terrible television shows like the OC and One Tree Hill. Avoid him unless it’s an emergency.
John Terry
He reckons he’s twenty-nine, right? So then why does he have the face of a fifty year old? And how did he manage to have an affair with a sexy underwear model? Answer: He has a GSOH.
Stephen Warnock
Stephen Warnock is a left back. Let’s hope he doesn’t get “left back” in the dressing room! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. AAAAAAAH HAHAHHAHAAAA HAHA HA…
Matthew Upson
HAAAAA HA HA HA HAAA! LEFT BACK IN THE DRESSING ROOM! OH SHIT, I AM SUCH A JOKER! BAAAA HA HA HA HAAAAA!
Jamie Carragher
Remember those Harry Enfield characters from the 90s? The ones that went, “Ay, ay, calm down, calm down”? No? Me neither.
Ledley King
What many people don’t know about Ledley, when they complain about him always being injured, is that his legs are made of balsawood and candy floss.
Midfielders
Steven Gerrard
Thanks to the injuries of “Her name is” Rio Ferdinand, Steven Gerrard is now the captain of England. If England win the world cup, he’s going to celebrate by undergoing forehead normalising surgery with Ant from Ant and Dec, in which a portion of Ant’s forehead will be grafted onto his. Also, he has already prepared a speech if England win, which consists entirely of the words, ‘lads’, ‘erm’, ‘obviously’ and ‘pleased’.
Aaron Lennon
Wouldn’t it be great if he was related to John Lennon? That would be amazing.
Frank Lampard
Old Lamp, that’s what they call him at Stanford Park where “Chelsea Rovers” play. Old Lamp is the Vice-Captain of England, which means whenever Gerrard goes to the toilet or something like that, he lords it around the camp like he’s Mr Important or something like that, and even slapped Joe Hart across the face because he refused to call him Captain Lamp. What I’m trying to say is, Old Lamp is like Dick Cheney.
Joe Cole
Joey Cole, Joey Cole, Joey Joey Cole, when he gets the ball he scores the goal, Joey Joey Cole!
Gareth Barry
He looks a bit like Dick van Dyke doesn’t he? What, you don’t think so, either? I’ve never found anyone who agrees with me on that one.
James Milner
I don’t understand who he is. He’s not really famous like “David Beckhamands” or anyone like that, he’s just some guy. In fact, if I were to see him in the street, I wouldn’t be that bothered. I mean, I’d ask for an autograph, but in a really half-arsed way. Like, facing away from him or something like that.
Shaun Wright-Phillips
SWP is what they call him, but don’t confuse him with the lady from Sex with the City, Sarah Wessica Parker, because he doesn’t like that. He’s the first player with a double-barrelled name to represent England since Steve McManaman-Amanaman in 2000. The Wright part is taken from his father, Matthew and the Phillips is from his mother, a kettle.
Michael Carrick
As well as being a midfielder, Carrick is also an avid collector of fridge magnets letters. When asked how he felt being part of Capelli’s squad, he said, “REALLY GR38T!”
Strikers
Peter Crouch
He’s very tall, which means it’s very funny that his name is “Crouch”, because that is what he would have to do to get through your average doorway. No-one has ever measured him successfully, because whenever they try, he just goes, “Crouch no like!” and flails his limbs around, wounding anyone within a three hundred yard “radius”. If you’re wondering why someone doesn’t just measure him while he’s asleep, well then, why don’t you do it? Smart arse.
Jermain Defoe
Striker, lover, brother of Hollywood actor Willem; Jermain Defoe is a complex character. Why is it that he scores freely for his club, Tottenham Hopspurn, but rarely finds the net in an England shirt? Is it because the England shirt is too heavy? Someone look into that for me. I’d do it, but I have a pie in the oven.
Emile Heskey
Did you know there’s a drinking game, where the players must drink every time Mr Heskey falls over? I played it once. Yes, I was alone, and yes I wasn’t watching him on the football field, but rather watching him walk through a town centre, and yes, the only way I could get even slightly tipsy was to keep tripping him, but so what? I’m a free spirit. A free, don’t-give-a-damn Heskey tripping spirit.
Wayne Rooney
The dilemma about Rooney is whether to play him as a lone striker, where he would be reliant on good service from the flanks, and an attacking central midfielder playing a supporting role, or whether to play him with another striker, who may act as a foil, allowing him to play deeper and win possession. Oh sorry, “LOL SHRECK!”
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