I have been commissioned to write some scripts for Eastenders, and in a potentially contract-breaching exclusive, I am going to now reveal synopses for these upcoming episodes.
Script 1
Roxy and Ronnie have a cat fight in the Vic. Billy wonders how he is going to find the rent money. Danielle has another abortion.
Script 2
After their intense fight, Roxy and Ronnie reconcile when they discover that they aren't actually sisters, and can continue their affair. Billy finds the rent money down the back of the settee, and has enough left over to get that abortion he's been after.
Script 3
Flaming Mo does some sort of dodgy deal, or something. I don't know. Bianca gets all gobby and ginger, and all the lads down the Vic chip in so Shirley and Dot can both have abortions.
Script 4
Knee-deep in aborted foetuses, the residents of Albert Square go to a firework display. Minty and Heather share a passionate kiss as the nation gags. Expect abortions.
Script 5
Incensed by the current storylines, a large team of pro-life campaigners storm the set and attempt to burn it down. They've nearly overpowered security when Ricky comes out and talks some sense into them. Eventually, everyone agrees that it is OK to have differing opinions and they all have a good laugh, and Peggy says 'Everybody, abortions on the 'ouse!' And the show ends with everybody having abortions. Nice.
If you have been affected by any of the issues raised by these synopses, please stop watching Eastenders now and forever.
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