Thursday, 27 May 2010
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
Survival Tips
The best thing to do when confronted by a chainsaw-wielding maniac is to not look like a tree.
If you're being attacked by a bear, always crap your pants because it may put him off. But at least if it doesn't, ha ha, he ate your crap.
Baby tigers might look like a fun pet, but remember, they grow up, and let's face it, imagine how much it'd cost to have that thing neutered.
When falling off a cliff, try to aim away from the jagged rocks. If you do end up landing on them, try moving a little to the left when you next fall off.
If you're being attacked by a bear, always crap your pants because it may put him off. But at least if it doesn't, ha ha, he ate your crap.
Baby tigers might look like a fun pet, but remember, they grow up, and let's face it, imagine how much it'd cost to have that thing neutered.
When falling off a cliff, try to aim away from the jagged rocks. If you do end up landing on them, try moving a little to the left when you next fall off.
Tuesday, 25 May 2010
The Adventures of Socially Awkward Man: Part Four
Batman has Robin, Captain America has Bucky, Simon has Garfunkel, so why shouldn't Socially Awkward Man have a sidekick? Well, probably because he's not very good in social situations, but what the hell? He gets lonely in his Socially Awkward Cave.
After many years of searching, our hero found the perfect sidekick. What follows is their first meeting...
After many years of searching, our hero found the perfect sidekick. What follows is their first meeting...
Sunday, 23 May 2010
Saturday, 22 May 2010
Garden Philosophy
There was a couple who lived in the house next door to me for over forty years. They raised a family there, they grew old there. Then, when they eventually became too frail to live independently, they moved to a nursing home, where they both died.
The old man used to have a bench in the garden where he would survey his domain; beans shot up poles and lettuces grew next to carrots. It was a scene of self-sufficiency and fertility.
Now a young couple with children have moved in. The old bench is gone and a trampoline stands where the beans used to grow. I looked at this and thought that it might be nice to come up with some stirring statements about how the transformation of the garden is a metaphor for the circle of life, or even that it is a metaphor for the how the materialism of this generation has done away with the austerity and authenticity of the old couple's generation.
But, to be honest I was mainly wondering how they got that "old people" smell out of the house.
The old man used to have a bench in the garden where he would survey his domain; beans shot up poles and lettuces grew next to carrots. It was a scene of self-sufficiency and fertility.
Now a young couple with children have moved in. The old bench is gone and a trampoline stands where the beans used to grow. I looked at this and thought that it might be nice to come up with some stirring statements about how the transformation of the garden is a metaphor for the circle of life, or even that it is a metaphor for the how the materialism of this generation has done away with the austerity and authenticity of the old couple's generation.
But, to be honest I was mainly wondering how they got that "old people" smell out of the house.
Wednesday, 19 May 2010
Birds and the Bees
BOY: Daddy, how are babies made?
DAD: The stork brings them.
BOY: And how are baby storks made?
DAD: Sex.
DAD: The stork brings them.
BOY: And how are baby storks made?
DAD: Sex.
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
The Adventures of Socially Awkward Man: Part 3
Since Socially Awkward Man was born onto the world wide interhighway, he has offended an immigrant and a mother. Who's next?
Well, we may find out soon enough. You see, Socially Awkward Man was invited to one of the most awkward of all social events; the barbeque. After agonising for hours over whether to bring his own booze, he relented and bought a bottle of Cherry B's from the off license and arrived at the soiree already flustered.
Soon afterwards, he was accosted by the coolest dude at the party (he must be cool, he has 186 Facebook friends) and conversation soon turned to everyone's favourite TV series, you know the one. What follows is awkward.
Well, we may find out soon enough. You see, Socially Awkward Man was invited to one of the most awkward of all social events; the barbeque. After agonising for hours over whether to bring his own booze, he relented and bought a bottle of Cherry B's from the off license and arrived at the soiree already flustered.
Soon afterwards, he was accosted by the coolest dude at the party (he must be cool, he has 186 Facebook friends) and conversation soon turned to everyone's favourite TV series, you know the one. What follows is awkward.
Sunday, 16 May 2010
The Adventures of Socially Awkward Man: Part 2
After his ordeal waiting for a bus with a deeply traumatised immigrant, last time, Socially Awkward Man headed for the local pub, where a charming young woman caught his eye.
He promptly struck up a conversation with her in his inimitably awkward way, and soon found out that she was married with a child. Presently, he is too socially awkward to excuse himself from the conversation...
How will he get out of this jam? Let's read on. Well, you read on, I made it and therefore know what's coming.
He promptly struck up a conversation with her in his inimitably awkward way, and soon found out that she was married with a child. Presently, he is too socially awkward to excuse himself from the conversation...
How will he get out of this jam? Let's read on. Well, you read on, I made it and therefore know what's coming.
Love
Let me tell you something folks, weddings are expensive. I mean first, you have to order her from Thailand, and then there's the buffet, the list goes on and on.
I remember in my single days, the women around town would call me 'the shark.' Not because I was deadly and ruthless, but rather because a punch on the nose would usually make me go away.
I remember in my single days, the women around town would call me 'the shark.' Not because I was deadly and ruthless, but rather because a punch on the nose would usually make me go away.
Thursday, 13 May 2010
The Adventures of Socially Awkward Man
Introducing, my first comic, The Adventures of Socially Awkward Man! It's about a hero whose only super power is being very bad in social situations. In this edition, Socially Awkward Man waits for a bus.
So here it is, a web comic by a man with very poor artistic skills and only the most basic grasp of Adobe Illustrator.
So here it is, a web comic by a man with very poor artistic skills and only the most basic grasp of Adobe Illustrator.
Enjoy...
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
A debate between two gentlemen in an online setting
The Angry Atheist: Man, I am such an atheist.
Harrison666: Yeah, so am I man.
The Angry Atheist: I bet I'm more of an atheist than you are.
Harrison666: No way. I've been an atheist since before I was born and I think that anyone who believes in God is a sheep. Baaaa.
The Angry Atheist: Yeah right, I saw you criticising Dawkins the other day dude, and I love Dawkins.
Harrison666: NO! NO! I am an atheist! I hate God! If he were to walk in here right now, I'd stick my fingers in his mouth and shit in his handbag.
The Angry Atheist: That's funny; if you're such an atheist then why would you expect God to walk in?
Darwin's Scrote: ZOMG! PWNED!
Iron Maiden 4life: Faggot got pwned.
The Kevin Delusion: Pwnage!
Wizardsleeve1973: My Little Pwny!
Musical Youth: Pass the dutchie pwn the left hand side.
Nadia677744441: YOU WANNA A PLEASE YOUR GIRL, WHYNOT? VIAGRA, DIAZEPAM, VALIUM. BIG MANHOOD GROWTH GUARANTEED NO QUESTION AKSED? YOU WANNA A BEE BIG MAN LIKE BEAR? VIAGRA!
The Angry Atheist: I pwned you.
Saturday, 24 April 2010
A difference of opinion
She said she was tired of me cheatin'. I say, 'Don't hate the player, hate the game, baby.'
We never played Monopoly again.
We never played Monopoly again.
Tuesday, 6 April 2010
Snobservational Comedy Part One
Upon walking around a council estate, it occurred to me that this country must be truly skint, as the dole seems to have been giving out trampolines in lieu of money.
Saturday, 3 April 2010
Clowning Around
I believe it was Smokey Robinson who sang, 'there are some sad things known to man, but ain't too much sadder than the tears of a clown.'
I don't know about that; I saw a clown crying the other day and he was just so hilarious I couldn't help but laugh.
But then that's clown funerals for you; a bittersweet event where one may gain some solace from the fact that all the mourners can fit in one car.
I don't know about that; I saw a clown crying the other day and he was just so hilarious I couldn't help but laugh.
But then that's clown funerals for you; a bittersweet event where one may gain some solace from the fact that all the mourners can fit in one car.
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
'Missives from the gastronomical front' by Basford Harper
What follows are a series of extracts from Basford Harper's column in the Bolehall Gazette. His job at that publication was restaurant reviewer/toilet cleaner. He would sometimes get confused and review toilets instead, leading to a public toilet in a park taking a booking for a table of five.
Ping Ping’s All-You-Can-Eat Chinese Buffet – Burton-upon-Trent
I arrived at Ping Ping’s flagship establishment in Burton to find a decent selection of Chinese delicacies, including lemon chicken, sweet and sour chicken and chicken noodles.
There were a fair few birthday parties in, and Ping Ping’s staff marked these occasions with their own birthday song. Of course, due to the accent of the singer, it sounded more like ‘Happy Bathday.’ Although, by the look of many of the patrons, this would also be an annual event.
The Hare and Fruit Basket – Minworth
This Brewer’s Fayre on the opposite side of the road to a sewage farm offers a rather more fragrant line in pub grub.
To start, I had the prawn cocktail, which was tasty even though it came served in a half-pint glass. For the main, I had a delicious cheese burger with only a sprinkling of grease. A humdrum ice cream desert with teddy bear wafer couldn’t detract from my enthusiasm for the burger, and I tried to find the chef, Keith afterwards to compliment him, but he was around the back, fingering his girlfriend.
The George and Dragon – Barking
Although the food (roast beef) was adequate, there was something a little unsettling about the ambiance of the venue. There were St George’s flags everywhere, with pictures of Winston Churchill and Nick Griffin taking up every available piece of wall space which didn’t have a golliwog hanging from it by its neck. It took a while, but I finally realised what it was; people were openly flouting the smoking ban! I pointed this out to one gentleman with a tattoo of a bulldog on his forehead, and let’s just say that glass ashtrays are rather slippery items to retrieve from one’s back passage.
Dr Butty – Leeds
The sausage and egg sandwich I ate at this establishment was fine, although when I questioned the credentials of the so-called doctor, the woman behind the counter, one Tracey, gave me a knowing look which could have only said, “I am going to spit in your sandwich.” I can only conclude from this that Mr Butty is claiming to possess qualifications which he has not earned.
Cinemaland Multiplex – Coventry
The choice of food at this establishment was not particularly wide, but I plumped for the nachos with popcorn and coke. While the taste was adequate, there was precious little subtext, with only the ice in the drink offering a post-structuralist take on entropy. The cheese and salsa with the nachos had nothing to say, and not even in a Beckett-esque way. The film I watched was a delightful romp featuring a talking hamster. It was difficult to hear what he was saying most of the time though, what with him being concealed in Richard Gere’s anus.
Ping Ping’s All-You-Can-Eat Chinese Buffet – Burton-upon-Trent
I arrived at Ping Ping’s flagship establishment in Burton to find a decent selection of Chinese delicacies, including lemon chicken, sweet and sour chicken and chicken noodles.
There were a fair few birthday parties in, and Ping Ping’s staff marked these occasions with their own birthday song. Of course, due to the accent of the singer, it sounded more like ‘Happy Bathday.’ Although, by the look of many of the patrons, this would also be an annual event.
The Hare and Fruit Basket – Minworth
This Brewer’s Fayre on the opposite side of the road to a sewage farm offers a rather more fragrant line in pub grub.
To start, I had the prawn cocktail, which was tasty even though it came served in a half-pint glass. For the main, I had a delicious cheese burger with only a sprinkling of grease. A humdrum ice cream desert with teddy bear wafer couldn’t detract from my enthusiasm for the burger, and I tried to find the chef, Keith afterwards to compliment him, but he was around the back, fingering his girlfriend.
The George and Dragon – Barking
Although the food (roast beef) was adequate, there was something a little unsettling about the ambiance of the venue. There were St George’s flags everywhere, with pictures of Winston Churchill and Nick Griffin taking up every available piece of wall space which didn’t have a golliwog hanging from it by its neck. It took a while, but I finally realised what it was; people were openly flouting the smoking ban! I pointed this out to one gentleman with a tattoo of a bulldog on his forehead, and let’s just say that glass ashtrays are rather slippery items to retrieve from one’s back passage.
Dr Butty – Leeds
The sausage and egg sandwich I ate at this establishment was fine, although when I questioned the credentials of the so-called doctor, the woman behind the counter, one Tracey, gave me a knowing look which could have only said, “I am going to spit in your sandwich.” I can only conclude from this that Mr Butty is claiming to possess qualifications which he has not earned.
Cinemaland Multiplex – Coventry
The choice of food at this establishment was not particularly wide, but I plumped for the nachos with popcorn and coke. While the taste was adequate, there was precious little subtext, with only the ice in the drink offering a post-structuralist take on entropy. The cheese and salsa with the nachos had nothing to say, and not even in a Beckett-esque way. The film I watched was a delightful romp featuring a talking hamster. It was difficult to hear what he was saying most of the time though, what with him being concealed in Richard Gere’s anus.
Monday, 22 March 2010
Buzzards Celebrity Blog Number 11: Jimmy Page
You know that bit in Black Dog that goes 'Da da da dada daaa da, de de diddly de de dee de, da da da da da da da dowwww'? I played that on the guitar once.The Green-Eyed Monster
The other day I expressed my disgust at my dog licking his own testicles.
"You're only jealous," my girlfriend said.
And she was right. I would like to lick the dog's testicles.
"You're only jealous," my girlfriend said.
And she was right. I would like to lick the dog's testicles.
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
Born to Run
The highway's jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive. M6 Toll Clear.
Baby, this town rips the bones from your back, it's a death trap, it's a suicide rap. The schools are good, though.
Da daaa da da!
Baby, this town rips the bones from your back, it's a death trap, it's a suicide rap. The schools are good, though.
Da daaa da da!
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
Name droppings
I met Craig David on Monday. We went down the pub on Tuesday.
I don't want to talk about Wednesday.
I don't want to talk about Wednesday.
Sunday, 14 February 2010
The Innocence of Youth
The little girl was sad. She told me that she thought she didn't get to the finals of the dance contest because she wasn't good enough. I dried her tears and smiled, all the while letting the hard, adult truth go unsaid, that she didn't reach the dance finals because God was punishing her for being born out of wedlock.
Saturday, 6 February 2010
Competition Time
These are exciting times for me in the world of "comedy" as I've recently been nominated as a finalist for something.
That something is the Leicester Mercury Comedian of the Year, a prestigious competition previously won by luminaries like Rhod Gilbert, Johnny Vegas and some bloke who now works for Leicester Council.
In the last major competition final I was in, I wasn't that good, and got a particularly savage review, so this time, I'm going to write my own review and send it to the press to save them the bother...
Ben Davids has little in the way of charisma or originality, and if you placed a plank of balsa wood on stage with some jokes scrawled on it in bird shit, the effect would very much be the same.
Every comedian has a bad gig from time to time, but Davids seemed to take this one personally, and raised the question amongst the judges, 'Is it ever appropriate for a comedian to expose his testicles to the audience for a cheap laugh?'
The answer of course is no, and the worthy winner of the evening was Filtrum Kelly, whose warm tales of the London Underground were rapturously received by the Leicester crowd.
Review by Beef Stennet
That something is the Leicester Mercury Comedian of the Year, a prestigious competition previously won by luminaries like Rhod Gilbert, Johnny Vegas and some bloke who now works for Leicester Council.
In the last major competition final I was in, I wasn't that good, and got a particularly savage review, so this time, I'm going to write my own review and send it to the press to save them the bother...
Ben Davids has little in the way of charisma or originality, and if you placed a plank of balsa wood on stage with some jokes scrawled on it in bird shit, the effect would very much be the same.
Every comedian has a bad gig from time to time, but Davids seemed to take this one personally, and raised the question amongst the judges, 'Is it ever appropriate for a comedian to expose his testicles to the audience for a cheap laugh?'
The answer of course is no, and the worthy winner of the evening was Filtrum Kelly, whose warm tales of the London Underground were rapturously received by the Leicester crowd.
Review by Beef Stennet
Friday, 8 January 2010
Tittle tattle
Pop starlet Rihanna has denied that she has an STD. Good. Wouldn't it be awful if she had gonorrhea-ea-ea, eh? Eh? Eh?
Wednesday, 23 December 2009
Buzzards Celebrity Blog Number 10: Santa
Santa Claus. Father Christmas. Saint Nicholas. Pere Noel. Sinterklaas. Kris Kringle. So many different aliases, which one is real? There's only one way to find out. Check his driving license. I once asked a Santa for his driving license but he spat in my eye and punched me. Come to think of it, if he was really Santa, why was he so drunk? And why was he homeless?
Merry Cwistmas Everyone!
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Upon overhearing a conversation between three gentlemen
MAN 1: I really, really like The Wire.
MAN 2: I agree. It's really good isn't it?
MAN 3: I've never seen it, but I'll tell you what I do like; that My Family. That Welsh one cracks me up.
MAN 1: You're not my friend anymore.
MAN 2: Nor mine. You're one weak-ass bitch, yo.
MAN 2: I agree. It's really good isn't it?
MAN 3: I've never seen it, but I'll tell you what I do like; that My Family. That Welsh one cracks me up.
MAN 1: You're not my friend anymore.
MAN 2: Nor mine. You're one weak-ass bitch, yo.
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
My letter to the editor...
Dear Editor,
May I begin by commending you on the sterling job you are doing in editing this publication. When I read a piece by one of your writers I think, 'Yes, it's well-written, but it's also well "edited"'.
Anyway, to the main "point" of my "letter". I was incredibly disappointed by the choice of person to switch on Tamworth's Christmas lights. It was, as I'm sure you're aware, a nine year old girl! And not even a famous nine year old girl, like "Lindsay Lohan" or "Smiley Virus", just a regular scummy nine year old girl from a gutter somewhere.
For next year, I have drawn up a wish-list for who I would like to see "switch" on our "festive" lights! Let's be ambitious and see if we can "make it happen!"
1. Aggie Woodbine
2. Grouch Marks
3. Barry from Eggheads
4. Jackie Fulcrum
5. Flavor Flavor
6. Barrie "Silly Bang" Stott
7. Spit the Dog
8. Carol Borderline
9. Father Xmas
10. "Tom Hanks"
Yours "Sincerely"
Concerned President
May I begin by commending you on the sterling job you are doing in editing this publication. When I read a piece by one of your writers I think, 'Yes, it's well-written, but it's also well "edited"'.
Anyway, to the main "point" of my "letter". I was incredibly disappointed by the choice of person to switch on Tamworth's Christmas lights. It was, as I'm sure you're aware, a nine year old girl! And not even a famous nine year old girl, like "Lindsay Lohan" or "Smiley Virus", just a regular scummy nine year old girl from a gutter somewhere.
For next year, I have drawn up a wish-list for who I would like to see "switch" on our "festive" lights! Let's be ambitious and see if we can "make it happen!"
1. Aggie Woodbine
2. Grouch Marks
3. Barry from Eggheads
4. Jackie Fulcrum
5. Flavor Flavor
6. Barrie "Silly Bang" Stott
7. Spit the Dog
8. Carol Borderline
9. Father Xmas
10. "Tom Hanks"
Yours "Sincerely"
Concerned President
Monday, 7 December 2009
The generation gap
GRANDAD: Things were different in my day, all I ever got for Christmas was an orange.
KID: What do you mean, orange? It's Apple that make iPods, grandad!
GRANDAD: Silence! Silence before I belt you.
KID: What do you mean, orange? It's Apple that make iPods, grandad!
GRANDAD: Silence! Silence before I belt you.
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
ILuvDawkins4eva Message Board Post - Number 1
Barbara1967 Help!
My dog isn't eating!!! Iv'e tryed everything bt he just wont eat his food, waht
can i do?!?!?!???
BaggiesBoy Re: Help!
Take him to the vets, love. Its the only way. Its probly nothing serious!
ILuvDawkins4eva Re: Help!
Yes, take him to the vet. It's the scientific way. And ignore BaggiesBoy, he
doesn't know that it's nothing serious. It could be inoperable cancer for all
he knows, but then again he probably prays to the Flying Spaghetti Monster
so you can't possibly trust his judgement.
BaggiesBoy U r a cunt
Cunt.
ILuvDawkins4eva Re: U r a cunt
Hmm, that's just like you, to make suppositions without empirical evidence.
Just wait until everyone on CommentIsFree hears about this.
My dog isn't eating!!! Iv'e tryed everything bt he just wont eat his food, waht
can i do?!?!?!???
BaggiesBoy Re: Help!
Take him to the vets, love. Its the only way. Its probly nothing serious!
ILuvDawkins4eva Re: Help!
Yes, take him to the vet. It's the scientific way. And ignore BaggiesBoy, he
doesn't know that it's nothing serious. It could be inoperable cancer for all
he knows, but then again he probably prays to the Flying Spaghetti Monster
so you can't possibly trust his judgement.
BaggiesBoy U r a cunt
Cunt.
ILuvDawkins4eva Re: U r a cunt
Hmm, that's just like you, to make suppositions without empirical evidence.
Just wait until everyone on CommentIsFree hears about this.
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