Thursday, 27 November 2008

A Bible Story

Jesus and Moses were playing catch at the beach. They had a pretty good rally going, when Jesus tried to show off and do a long throw, as Rory Delap doth do at the Britannia, and accidentally hurled the ball far out to sea.
Moses looked upon Jesus and said unto him, ‘What the fuck was that all about? I just bought that yesterday.’
But Jesus did look upon Moses kindly and smile, and say, ‘Dude, take a chill pill.’ And with that, he strode to the water’s edge and walked upon the surface of the water, to fetch Moses’ ball. And how the bikini beach babes did rejoice and say things like, ‘Oh Jesus, you da man.’
Moses though, was filled with jealousy, and in a fit of anger he did part the seas, sending Jesus crashing to the ocean floor. And O how the scribes, Pharisees and bikini babes did piss themselves laughing, and Ezekiel said unto Jeremiah, ‘Did you get that? Send it to Jeremy Beadle and that’s 250 quid there, mate.’
Alas, the lifeguards did ban Moses and Jesus from the beach for disobeying the Beach Code, rule 13; ‘no miracles,’ and God did look down from the heavens and say, ‘Pack it in you two. Can’t you see I’m trying to get a pool table into Jesus’ old bedroom?’
There was to be more ill fortune for Jesus later that day, when he was badly bitten by a guide-dog, who was unemployed after Jesus had cured most of the blind of Galilee. But Jesus did forgive the poor hound, and managed to change one tin of ASDA’s own dog chow into five thousand tins of Pedigree Chum, and all were happy.


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