Wednesday, 12 November 2008

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - The Contestants

Yes, it's that time of year again, when Big Brother is naught but a distant memory and Celebrity Big Brother is one glorious month away, I mean of course, the beginning of ITV's I'm a Celebrity!

Of course, with the advent of such a momentous occasion, there is always speculation about who is going into the jungle, so far names as disparate as the Queen, Condoleezza Rice, and Brad Pitt have been bandied around, but now, Buzzards can proudly reveal the confirmed list of entrants!

  • Frederick de Bono - Former lead singer of 80s chart toppers, Freddy D and the Conscientious Objectors, he has spent the years since the band split practicing as a chiropractor. He is hoping to get to do it for real one day. He says he is entering I'm a Celebrity to please his legions of fans, and to 'make more money so I can buy some proper blow.' When we informed him that we don't do 'off the record', he denied having ever said it and pretended to be Alan Titchmarsh.

  • Diane Bennett - Incredibly dull former athlete, who won an Olympic bronze in the hurdles or some bollocks ages ago. We were going to ask her why she decided to go on the show, but then decided we couldn't give one.

  • Lord Armitage Shanks - Disgraced former peer who hit the front pages back in 1992 when allegations about his sexual peccadilloes came to light. When asked why he was going on the show, the 75 year old replied, 'Well, I just wanted the public to see that there is nothing strange, or, um, perverted about me. I want to show people that I'm just a normal, everyday, down-to-earth, sound-as-a-pound, bloke, who wouldn't dream of paying Czech rent boys to defecate on his chest.'

  • The Ultimate RamRod - Sixteen-time World Heavyweight Wrestling Champion, who left the 'sport' in disgrace after his finisher, 'The Axis of Evil Slam', left an opponent a vegetable for life, and therefore, only slightly more intelligent than the average wrestling fan. Now a born-again Christian, he promises to 'body-slam non-believers' and 'pin Satan for the three count.' In the jungle, he hopes to spread the word of Jesus, and failing that, 'annoy everyone with my boorish, American personality and such.'

  • Valerie Burnwick - Popular 80s newsreader, who is probably best remembered for the time she cried on air when the Berlin Wall came down. 'It was such a good wall,' sobbed the bricklayers' daughter into the shoulder of Nick Owen, as the nation looked on. Now, the strait-laced Oxford graduate hopes to show people that she's 'not so strait-laced, and can actually be quite fun.' She continued, 'People look at me and think I'm really strait-laced, but I'm not, I can actually be quite fun. Being a journalist, people will expect me to be strait-laced, but they'll be surprised to find that I'm actually quite fun. When I was at school, my friends would call me 'Funny Val.' Which is because I'm a fun person, not strait-laced, that's why they called me that.'

  • Slimer - Probably the biggest celeb on the show this year, the former Ghostbusters associate is set to make his British TV debut. 'I'm so excited to be here in the UK,' said the friendly ghost at a press conference. 'And it's really swell that I'm gonna get to go to Australia to take part in this show, it's really the most exciting thing.' When he was informed he was the bookies favourite to win, he blushed and said, 'Aw shucks, you guys! I don't know about that, and gambling is immoral, but I'd sure be tickled pink to be crowned king of the jungle.' His happy smile then broke and he was heard to mutter something about finally taking his revenge on Dan Ackroyd.

  • Stacey Bryce - Useless waste of fucking skin who is now as famous for getting her ridiculous breasts out as she is for complaining that she wishes her disabled son was six feet under. The tabloids are rejoicing at the chance of some 'proper totty' in the jungle, whereas Buzzards cannot get past her dead, dead eyes.

  • Ahmed al-Rashed - Famous 'cleric of hate', who promises to bring chastity, purity, and circus juggling to the jungle. 'I learned to juggle when I was at cleric of hate school in Pakistan,' the 57 year old cleric of hate told us. 'The other clerics of hate would tease me about it, but I told them to lighten up. I won them round in the end, and they loved it when I juggled grenades, you just ask that Abu Hamza, the old bastard.' When asked how he would fit in with the other celebs, he remarked, 'I am good at chopping wood and hunting, and I like to think I would entertain the others with my juggling. That said, I wish swift death upon them all.'

  • Quinton Alvecote - Ryder - Veteran pantomime dame who gained his hyphen during the economic boom of the 50s. A regular fixture on the panto circuit at Christmas, he has played Widow Twanky no less that 45 times, including once during a poorly-received production of Hamlet, starring Barry Chuckle as the Prince of Denmark. He said he wants to bring some 'glitter and glamour' to the jungle, and later remarked after a snowball that he wouldn't urinate on a particular contestant if he/she were on fire. The only way we will find out who that is, is if any immolation takes place. Here's hoping.

  • Loretta Young - Founding member of the New Supremes, along with the third-cousin of Mary Wilson, Loretta travels the world singing classic Motown hits to confused yokels, and has agreed to come to the jungle, 'just to get away from the grind of singing You Can't Hurry bastard Love to dickheads in Working Men's Clubs.' When a cheeky wag questioned her celeb credentials, she did reveal that she once saw Olivia Newton John in Topshop, and said hello.

  • Ruth Sanchez - Velasahatanaswad - Shrill feminist writer who has promised to 'bring true equality to the jungle.' When questioned as to why a credible journalist is wasting her time on a lowest-common-denominator reality TV series, Sanchez - Velasa... accused me of being a 'fascist beanbag', and then muttered something about paying for legal bills for a lawsuit brought about because she keeps calling people fascist beanbags.

  • Kevin Dalston - And the final contestant, 80s funnyman, Kevin Dalston! Dalston wowed audiences at the Comedy Store with his biting satirical routines about the Thatcher government, even drawing praise from noted socialist Timmy Mallett. These days, Dalston is a Tory councillor who isn't averse to making the odd racial slur when the occasion calls for it. When asked if he was selling out his ideals by appearing on this show, he replied, 'What ideals? Shut up, you dago.'

Well, what a collection of personalities! I think this is going to be the best I'm a Celeb ever! So tune into ITV to watch it. Can you think of a better way to distract yourself from your inevitable death?

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