The Adventures of Socially Awkward Man: Part 6

When he isn't online, being too socially awkward to tell other men to put away their penises on Chatroulette, Socially Awkward Man likes to go out and indulge in a bit of nightlife, as it is only there that his true socially awkward nature can reach its full potential.

In this edition, our hero visits a nightclub and encounters a local character.

Idea for a horror film.

A man wakes up in the woods. He can't remember how he got there, but knows that he has to find his way home. Throughout the night he is pursued by demons and monsters, but he eventually reaches a clearing, where he finds his old van. He gets in, starts the engine and drives away, breathing a sigh of relief. It's then , in the film's final scene that he looks in his rear view mirror and sees a monster sitting in his back seat.

The lights in the auditorium go up and your eyes adjust as the credits roll. you think about leaving but then you look down and OH MY GOD! YOU'VE SPILLED POPCORN ALL OVER YOUR TROUSERS!

England's World Cup Squad: My Verdict

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past few months, you’ll know that the World Cup starts this week. My friend Delwyn has actually been living under a rock, but has Wifi, so stays in touch with what’s happening in the world of sport. I have no idea what relevance this has to anything.

Anyway, as a “pundit” of football, I have put together a critique of Flavio Capelli’s England squadron. Incidentally, I just went to the greengrocers and bought a “pundit” of strawberries and they were delicious.

Goalkeepers

David James
The thing about “Jamesey” is that he’s really old. I mean like, eighty years old. And you have to ask yourself, should an eighty year old man really be playing football, or sport such a flamboyant hairstyle? How about a career in gardening, granddad?


Robert Green
Robert Green plays for West Ham. You know, when I was younger I thought that “Ham” must be short for something, like “Hambury” or “Hambone.” But you know what? It isn’t.


Joe Hart
Joe Hart is probably my sixth favourite member of the Hart Foundation, behind Bret, Owen, Davy Boy Smith, Jim “the Anvil” and Hart FM.


Defenders

Glen Johnson
Glen Johnson was signed by Liverpool for £17 million last year. 17 million. It would take me about 900 years to save up that amount of money, and by that time he’d have probably retired anyway.


Ashley Cole
Ashley Cole, Ashley Cole, Ashley Ashley Cole. When he gets the ball he scores a goal, Ashley Ashley Cole!


Michael Dawson
I never watched Dawson’s Creek, and yet I don’t like it because it was a precursor to terrible television shows like the OC and One Tree Hill. Avoid him unless it’s an emergency.


John Terry
He reckons he’s twenty-nine, right? So then why does he have the face of a fifty year old? And how did he manage to have an affair with a sexy underwear model? Answer: He has a GSOH.


Stephen Warnock
Stephen Warnock is a left back. Let’s hope he doesn’t get “left back” in the dressing room! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. AAAAAAAH HAHAHHAHAAAA HAHA HA…


Matthew Upson
HAAAAA HA HA HA HAAA! LEFT BACK IN THE DRESSING ROOM! OH SHIT, I AM SUCH A JOKER! BAAAA HA HA HA HAAAAA!


Jamie Carragher
Remember those Harry Enfield characters from the 90s? The ones that went, “Ay, ay, calm down, calm down”? No? Me neither.


Ledley King
What many people don’t know about Ledley, when they complain about him always being injured, is that his legs are made of balsawood and candy floss.


Midfielders

Steven Gerrard
Thanks to the injuries of “Her name is” Rio Ferdinand, Steven Gerrard is now the captain of England. If England win the world cup, he’s going to celebrate by undergoing forehead normalising surgery with Ant from Ant and Dec, in which a portion of Ant’s forehead will be grafted onto his. Also, he has already prepared a speech if England win, which consists entirely of the words, ‘lads’, ‘erm’, ‘obviously’ and ‘pleased’.


Aaron Lennon
Wouldn’t it be great if he was related to John Lennon? That would be amazing.


Frank Lampard
Old Lamp, that’s what they call him at Stanford Park where “Chelsea Rovers” play. Old Lamp is the Vice-Captain of England, which means whenever Gerrard goes to the toilet or something like that, he lords it around the camp like he’s Mr Important or something like that, and even slapped Joe Hart across the face because he refused to call him Captain Lamp. What I’m trying to say is, Old Lamp is like Dick Cheney.


Joe Cole
Joey Cole, Joey Cole, Joey Joey Cole, when he gets the ball he scores the goal, Joey Joey Cole!


Gareth Barry
He looks a bit like Dick van Dyke doesn’t he? What, you don’t think so, either? I’ve never found anyone who agrees with me on that one.


James Milner
I don’t understand who he is. He’s not really famous like “David Beckhamands” or anyone like that, he’s just some guy. In fact, if I were to see him in the street, I wouldn’t be that bothered. I mean, I’d ask for an autograph, but in a really half-arsed way. Like, facing away from him or something like that.


Shaun Wright-Phillips
SWP is what they call him, but don’t confuse him with the lady from Sex with the City, Sarah Wessica Parker, because he doesn’t like that. He’s the first player with a double-barrelled name to represent England since Steve McManaman-Amanaman in 2000. The Wright part is taken from his father, Matthew and the Phillips is from his mother, a kettle.


Michael Carrick
As well as being a midfielder, Carrick is also an avid collector of fridge magnets letters. When asked how he felt being part of Capelli’s squad, he said, “REALLY GR38T!”


Strikers

Peter Crouch
He’s very tall, which means it’s very funny that his name is “Crouch”, because that is what he would have to do to get through your average doorway. No-one has ever measured him successfully, because whenever they try, he just goes, “Crouch no like!” and flails his limbs around, wounding anyone within a three hundred yard “radius”. If you’re wondering why someone doesn’t just measure him while he’s asleep, well then, why don’t you do it? Smart arse.


Jermain Defoe
Striker, lover, brother of Hollywood actor Willem; Jermain Defoe is a complex character. Why is it that he scores freely for his club, Tottenham Hopspurn, but rarely finds the net in an England shirt? Is it because the England shirt is too heavy? Someone look into that for me. I’d do it, but I have a pie in the oven.


Emile Heskey
Did you know there’s a drinking game, where the players must drink every time Mr Heskey falls over? I played it once. Yes, I was alone, and yes I wasn’t watching him on the football field, but rather watching him walk through a town centre, and yes, the only way I could get even slightly tipsy was to keep tripping him, but so what? I’m a free spirit. A free, don’t-give-a-damn Heskey tripping spirit.


Wayne Rooney
The dilemma about Rooney is whether to play him as a lone striker, where he would be reliant on good service from the flanks, and an attacking central midfielder playing a supporting role, or whether to play him with another striker, who may act as a foil, allowing him to play deeper and win possession. Oh sorry, “LOL SHRECK!”

The Adventures of Socially Awkward Man: Part 5

Survival Tips

The best thing to do when confronted by a chainsaw-wielding maniac is to not look like a tree.

If you're being attacked by a bear, always crap your pants because it may put him off. But at least if it doesn't, ha ha, he ate your crap.

Baby tigers might look like a fun pet, but remember, they grow up, and let's face it, imagine how much it'd cost to have that thing neutered.

When falling off a cliff, try to aim away from the jagged rocks. If you do end up landing on them, try moving a little to the left when you next fall off.

The Adventures of Socially Awkward Man: Part Four

Batman has Robin, Captain America has Bucky, Simon has Garfunkel, so why shouldn't Socially Awkward Man have a sidekick? Well, probably because he's not very good in social situations, but what the hell? He gets lonely in his Socially Awkward Cave.

After many years of searching, our hero found the perfect sidekick. What follows is their first meeting...

The Motivational Speaker

Garden Philosophy

There was a couple who lived in the house next door to me for over forty years. They raised a family there, they grew old there. Then, when they eventually became too frail to live independently, they moved to a nursing home, where they both died.

The old man used to have a bench in the garden where he would survey his domain; beans shot up poles and lettuces grew next to carrots. It was a scene of self-sufficiency and fertility.

Now a young couple with children have moved in. The old bench is gone and a trampoline stands where the beans used to grow. I looked at this and thought that it might be nice to come up with some stirring statements about how the transformation of the garden is a metaphor for the circle of life, or even that it is a metaphor for the how the materialism of this generation has done away with the austerity and authenticity of the old couple's generation.

But, to be honest I was mainly wondering how they got that "old people" smell out of the house.

Birds and the Bees

BOY: Daddy, how are babies made?

DAD: The stork brings them.

BOY: And how are baby storks made?

DAD: Sex.

The Adventures of Socially Awkward Man: Part 3

Since Socially Awkward Man was born onto the world wide interhighway, he has offended an immigrant and a mother. Who's next?

Well, we may find out soon enough. You see, Socially Awkward Man was invited to one of the most awkward of all social events; the barbeque. After agonising for hours over whether to bring his own booze, he relented and bought a bottle of Cherry B's from the off license and arrived at the soiree already flustered.

Soon afterwards, he was accosted by the coolest dude at the party (he must be cool, he has 186 Facebook friends) and conversation soon turned to everyone's favourite TV series, you know the one. What follows is awkward.

The Adventures of Socially Awkward Man: Part 2

After his ordeal waiting for a bus with a deeply traumatised immigrant, last time, Socially Awkward Man headed for the local pub, where a charming young woman caught his eye.

He promptly struck up a conversation with her in his inimitably awkward way, and soon found out that she was married with a child. Presently, he is too socially awkward to excuse himself from the conversation...


How will he get out of this jam? Let's read on. Well, you read on, I made it and therefore know what's coming.

Love

Let me tell you something folks, weddings are expensive. I mean first, you have to order her from Thailand, and then there's the buffet, the list goes on and on.

I remember in my single days, the women around town would call me 'the shark.' Not because I was deadly and ruthless, but rather because a punch on the nose would usually make me go away.

The Adventures of Socially Awkward Man

Introducing, my first comic, The Adventures of Socially Awkward Man! It's about a hero whose only super power is being very bad in social situations. In this edition, Socially Awkward Man waits for a bus.

So here it is, a web comic by a man with very poor artistic skills and only the most basic grasp of Adobe Illustrator.

Enjoy...

A debate between two gentlemen in an online setting

The Angry Atheist: Man, I am such an atheist.

Harrison666: Yeah, so am I man.

The Angry Atheist: I bet I'm more of an atheist than you are.

Harrison666: No way. I've been an atheist since before I was born and I think that anyone who believes in God is a sheep. Baaaa.

The Angry Atheist: Yeah right, I saw you criticising Dawkins the other day dude, and I love Dawkins.

Harrison666: NO! NO! I am an atheist! I hate God! If he were to walk in here right now, I'd stick my fingers in his mouth and shit in his handbag.

The Angry Atheist: That's funny; if you're such an atheist then why would you expect God to walk in?

Darwin's Scrote: ZOMG! PWNED!

Iron Maiden 4life: Faggot got pwned.

The Kevin Delusion: Pwnage!

Wizardsleeve1973: My Little Pwny!

Musical Youth: Pass the dutchie pwn the left hand side.

Nadia677744441: YOU WANNA A PLEASE YOUR GIRL, WHYNOT? VIAGRA, DIAZEPAM, VALIUM. BIG MANHOOD GROWTH GUARANTEED NO QUESTION AKSED? YOU WANNA A BEE BIG MAN LIKE BEAR? VIAGRA!

The Angry Atheist: I pwned you.