Monday, 16 July 2012

My Agony Column

That's right I've started my own Agony Aunt column! Of course, you're probably thinking, 'Who the hell would take advice from that dribbling imbecile?' But you know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking you smell of piss. Anyway, on to the first question!

Whenever I write things down, it comes out all slanty. What can I do?
- Slanty Sarah, Dorset

Well Sarah, ask yourself this, do you need to write anything down at all? Think about it. And while you're thinking about it, go and make me a sandwich, you slanty freak. Next question!

Ou est la piscine?
-Claude, Paris

Haha! Sounds like pissing. Next question!

What is the proper way to wear a cummerbund with a waistcoat?
-Patrick Bateman, New York City

Fuck off you fictional character! Next!

Whenever I make love to my wife, I can't reach climax without imitating an owl. How can I stop it?
-Jim Perkins, Appleby de la Zouch

Do you mean hooting or turning your head around so you're facing the other way? Be more specific.

My penis burns when I urinate. I've consulted my GP, but he just keeps telling me not to urinate. Is he even a real doctor?
-Veggy Blinker, Crewe Alexandra

Well, Veggy, there are many ways to tell if your doctor isn't genuine.

  1. He operates out of a caravan.
  2. He answers to the name 'Curly.'
  3. Instead of putting on latex gloves, he simply spits into his hands and says, 'Clean as a whistle.'
  4. He seems overly keen on checking your prostate gland with his erect penis.
  5. His stethoscope is just some grass.

My husband wants me to dress up for him to spice up our sex life. Any ideas what costumes to get?
-Marigold Queef, Splotchley

In the bedroom, the following costumes are acceptable:

  • Sexy nurse
  • Sexy nun
  • Sexy police woman
  • Sexy Chief Environmental Officer for Leicester City Council
  • Sexy nudist
The following are unacceptable:
  • Sexy ghost
  • Sexy dog
  • Sexy child
  • Sexy Hitler
Hope this helps, Marigold and do let me know how you got on. Especially all the filthy stuff. Phwoar.
Anyway, that's all for now, I'll be answering more of your problems on this page in the very near future.

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