The following is an exclusive extract from the diaries of Basford Harper, the notorious 'Shropshire Ripper.' The full diaries are available from all good retailers from £0.10p.
15/7
Had lunch with J - grilled salmon was v.nice, cheesecake was fine, but raspberry coulis was a bit too tart. J complained that his bread and butter pudding was soggy. Fussy sod!
16/7
Killed J.
17/7
Went for a walk in the woods, saw a deer. How cute! Dumped two hooker torsos. Drank tea from my new Thermos.
20/7
Haven't written for a few days. Been v.busy with all the killings and that. Tiring stuff. I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
21/7
M phoned and asked if I wanted to go to a party at his house. Trouble is, I know H will be there, and I don't really want to see her, especially after our run-in last month. I don't want to let M down, but then I don't want to cause a scene, what am I to do?
22/7
Burned M's house down.
24/7
Went to a talk on Larkin with R. I argued that while Larkin's misogynistic tendencies are undoubtedly unpleasant, it is possible to appreciate his poetry by its own merits. R argued that such a humanistic reading was glib and blinkered. We debated for a while, and blah, blah, blah I've only just finished disposing of the body.
25/7
I'm beginning to worry that I will have killed my entire alphabet of acquaintances by the end of the year. Must slow down or I'll have have nothing to do over the party season.
05/1
Haven't written in a long time. The day after my last entry I was arrested for multiple murders. I knew I shouldn't have published this diary online.
Yesterday I was sentenced to ninety consecutive life-terms. Needless to say I was so perturbed I couldn't even manage my second helping of foie gras.
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