As the Daily Mail is often telling us, more new people are coming to the UK every year. While some may see this as a bad thing, I'm not so convinced. Why just last week, a Swiss man saved me from being mauled to death by a Yorkshire Terrier.
What many 'commentators' seem to forget, is that relocating to a completely different country is an incredibly difficult and perilous thing to undertake. In an effort to make the transition that little bit easier, I have compiled a list of rules, aimed at helping the immigrant to become accustomed to the British way of life, and even more importantly, survive.
1. Always carry an umbrella. If it rains you will look prepared and people will respect you for it. If it doesn't, you will look like an ass, but at least you'll have an umbrella to defend yourself with.
2. If you are stopped by a policeman, never ever ask if he keeps his bribes under his hat, they don't like that.
3. If you are stopped by a policeman in a train station, never run away, no matter how late you are for work.
4. Never, under any circumstances, pronounce the second 'w' in a place name. Calling it Smeth Wick will only earn you the disgust and resentment of your co-workers.
5. If a person uses the word, 'great', they are probably being sarcastic. The best thing to do if it crops up is either to laugh, congratulate the person on being such an erudite wit, or simply walk into another room.
6. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are required to be nude in the presence of other men, always keep your eyes above 'sea level', and never congratulate a man on the majesty of his 'babymaker'. If you are a woman however, positive remarks, hugging and some fondling is always advisable.
7. If an associate or co-worker presents you with a stack of post-it notes and asks you to eat them for their amusement, you should always do it. If you don't, they won't do it again, but they'll never respect you.
8. Terrorise terrorists before they terrorise you.
9. Rape rapists before they rape you.
10. Murder murderers before they murder you.
11. Badger badgers before they badger you.
12. Hector Hector before Hector hectors you.
13. Burgle the Hamburgler before the Hamburgler burgles your burgers.
14. If you are ever invited to a glitzy, showbiz party, never look Cilla Black in the eye, she will kill you.
15. Hibernate during the months Big Brother is on.
I hope these guidelines will set you up for a long and happy stay with us here in Britain. Also, if you really like it here, then why not show your appreciation by making an anonymous donation to one of our hard-working politicians? If you give twenty grand to Alistair Darling now, you'll receive a free pair of comedy eyebrows!*
*While stocks last. Offer is conditional on donor shutting the fuck up about their generosity. Offer not open to any relatives, friends or co-workers of Mr Darling, nor anyone with a conscience for that matter.