Marathon Man

I ran into an old friend the other week, and he invited me to a Clint Eastwood film marathon round his house at the weekend, he was showing Lafayette Escadrille, Ambush at the Cimarron Pass, A Fistful of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More, the Good, The Bad and the Ugly, The Witches, The Magnificent Stranger, Hang 'Em High, Coogan's Bluff, Where Eagles Dare, Paint Your Wagon, 2 Mules for Sister Sara, Kelly's Heroes, The Beguiled, Play Misty for Me, Dirty Harry, Joke Kidd, High Plains Drifter, Magnum Force, Thunderbolt & Lightfoot, The Eiger Sanction, the Outlaw Josey Wales, The Enforcer, the Gauntlet, Every Which Way But Loose, Escape from Alcatraz, Bronco Billy, Any Which Way You Can, Firefox, Honkytonk Man, Sudden Impact, Tightrope, City Heat, Pale Rider, Heartbreak Ridge, The Dead Pool, Pink Cadillac, White Hunter, Black Heart, The Rookie, Unforgiven, In The Line of Fire, A Perfect World, The Bridges of Madison County, Absolute Power, True Crime, Space Cowboys, Blood Work, Million Dollar Baby and Gran Torino.

I didn't go though, I'm not a big fan.

Buzzards Celebrity Blog Number Eight: Henry VIII

Had six wives, he did. Six. I don't know how he found the time to invent the vacuum cleaner.

Losing my Religion

I've decided to convert. Up until now, I have been a strict Church of England man. Not that I ever went to church, except for weddings and such, but apart from that I was devout. I mean, come on, who wants to go to church these days? I went to Midnight Mass once, it lasted two hours. Wasn't it Jesus himself who said that 'brevity is the soul of wit?' What do you mean, no?

Anyway, I have decided to convert to Islam. I know, I know, they've got a bad reputation lately, what with all the suicide bombings and such, but I'm not scared of suicide bombers. In fact (snigger) I think they've been blown up out of all proportion! (snigger)

They didn't like that gag down at the mosque.

Anyway, the main reason I decided to convert was not especially spiritual, but because of what they call God: Allah. I just like how informal it is, how you can shorten it to Al.

I wouldn't mind a God called Al, because it makes Him seem less scary. and I don't think he'll mind much. In fact, wasn't it God Himself who said, 'You Can Call Me Al?'

What do you mean no?

Laughter

Sometimes life makes me laugh. I was in a shop the other day, buying some pick 'n' mix, when the cashier tried to charge me four pounds! Four pounds? That's almost five pounds!
Oh how I laughed, I stood there, at the front of a long queue and just laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed until I was hoarse. A store detective asked me to leave but I just laughed right into his face.
On the way home, I tried to laugh in the face of death but there was none around so I just laughed at a funeral procession.

Ricky!

Will there ever be any end to the madness?
As much as I love Ricky Tomlinson AKA Jim Royle AKA That Bloke from Brookie AKA Ricky Tomlinson, I find his series of My Arse products rather grating.
There's Football My Arse, Christmas My Arse, TV My Arse, whatever next?
I'd like to think that a picture book detailing Ricky's routine colonoscopy would be released, because it would be called My Arse My Arse. And what if he released a compilation of the entire My Arse series? Imagine that.




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I have no head for numbers

When I were a lad, I never did understand algebra. It was a foreign concept to me, the idea that n could equal a number.
I remember on one occasion, I was presented with an algebra equation to solve, and could not make head nor tail of it.
Eventually, I turned to the boy sitting next to me, the class brainbox, Clark Clerk, and asked him for the answer,
"No," he said, sharply, but I persisted.
"Ah go on," I said.
Angrily he turned to me and said, "What part of no don't you understand?"
I said, "n."

Thank you algebra lovers!

They smilin' in your face, but all the time they wanna take your place, the Backstabbers...

BACKSTABBERS!

Pet Peeves: People who "tell it like it is"

I dislike people who claim to "tell it like it is." Not because I am averse to honesty, you understand, but because when people describe themselves as someone who "tells is like it is," what they actually mean to say is, "I am one rude and nasty person right here."
It seems you can't do anything these days without someone trying to force their opinions on you,

"That joke isn't very good."

"Your dress sense is poor at best."

"You probably shouldn't wear your blindfold whilst driving."

Blah, blah, blah.

I have many famous friends

It's true! Just the other day, I had Dog the Bounty Hunter and Cat Stevens round for tea. They didn't get along.
Dog just kept pinning him into corners and biting him. I tried to calm him down by saying, 'Wait, Dog, his name's not even Cat anymore, it's Yusuf Islam!'
But that just seemed to make him worse.

I really...

want this. This is the biggest night of my life. I need this so, so, so much. You don't realise how much I want this. I'm gonna give it 110% No, 112% This is my moment, a moment like this doesn't come along very often. Not at all. This is my biggest dream and I just hope I can pull it off tonight. Because if I don't I'll do myself in. No messing. I'll jump off a bridge or something proper high like that. Onto some jagged rocks. And then while I lie there, in a pool of my own viscera, I'll know that I've missed my big opportunity to be the Amington Fete Rhubarb Gardener of the Year.

EXPENSES!

Some people say that the electorate will turn to fringe parties like the BNP because of the corruption of mainstream politicians. If they do so then they are not only horrible racists, but also deluded, because BNP representatives would be every bit as crooked. They'd just claim for things like flags, and bulldogs and blackface soap instead.

I would imagine...

...that it would be difficult to instigate industrial action in a bowling alley and be taken seriously.

Pontificating into the void

This economic climate is a bad one. You might say things like, 'Yeah but, get some perspective, it's hardly the apocalypse,' but you're an idiot. Because it is the apocalypse. You get some perspective. From a cow's bum.
We need to alter this course of events if we are to survive, we need to get out of this dire economic climate.

Yep, a little bit of climate change is all we need.

Why it would be great to be the Pope. Part 1: Papal Infallibility

Example 1: Scrabble

CARDINAL GUALTIERI: You can't have that, it's not even a word!

POPE: I am the Pope, and I say that Fuckwidget is a word, and I claim my 160 points!


Example 2: le Boudoir

WOMAN: No, I've got a headache!

POPE: Oh no you haven't!

Reverse Psychology

ygolohcysP

Yeah. This is the good stuff.

Romance and Innovation: Together at Last

Last night, my partner and I went out to a restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. The venue in question was one, 'Big Pam's All-You-Can-Scoff Buffet.' A fine little place where one can gleefully masticate all the lamb chops he desires.
Anyway, as I sat there, pretending to listen to one of my partners lectures about how I shouldn't swill my toothbrush in the toilet bowl, an idea began to form in my mind...
What about a restaurant where instead of you going and fetching your food from a trough, people, employed by the proprietor, namely Big Pam, bring food to you, straight from the kitchen?
They would then wait for you to finish, and wait for you to order more drinks or a dessert; food serving technicians, they'd be called.
I know, it's a crazy idea, but maybe one day in the future, all restaurants will be like my vision, and people will praise me as a luminary and innovator. Maybe, just maybe.

Also, I now have an intestinal blockage.

Things I have learned whilst visiting London

1. Orthodox Jews can't make toast on the Sabbath.
2. When they say 'Mind the doors,' they bloody well mean it.
3. Hahaha! Cockfosters!

My foray into "measured" comedy...

I have been. Considering. What.
It would be like. To. Wear a kilt. Even though. I.
Am not Scottish. I would imagine that I. Would get embroiled. Somehow.
In some controversy. Where people. Think I’m some kind. Of.

Racist. Even though. I am not.


A racist. Or.
Perhaps.
A gust. Of. W. ind. Would blow my. Kilt. Up. Around my face.
Exposing my. Quaint. And disappointing.




Genitals.

A note for students

Boris Johnson is not, never has been, and never will be, a "legend." He is a very real, and very dangerous, shockingly right-wing man.

The same goes for Mr T. Probably.

Collections

I have been collecting celebrity names that are reminiscent of fishing. So far I've got Dr Hook, Rod Stewart, Annette Benning, and Trevor Haddock. I didn't say it was a big collection.

Some Beat Poetry

Knutsford services.
2 AM.
When all the no-good hustlers and dog-tired shylocks scuttle down the M6.
No thanks, man. I'm already a member.
He knows I ain't a member, but he lets it go, 'cause we're brothers, him and me.
Three quid for a Ginster's?
You can't put a price on pasties, man.
I only came in for a cack anyway.


Shabba.

McPhilosophy

What came first, the McChicken Sandwich or the Egg McMuffin?

If a tree falls in the forest, and no-one is around to hear it, that's good because it means more people will be buying burgers rather than being distracted by trees falling down all the time.

On that subject, I was trekking through the woods the other day on the promise of a secret dog show (NB: I now know what 'dogging' means and frankly, I'm disgusted) when a voice stopped me. I looked around but there was no-one to be seen. Eventually, I located the source of the sound; it was a tree!
I stopped and listened as the tree told me that when loggers cut into a tree, it can feel real pain and it dies a death just as real a human. He told me that he had stood on that spot for nigh on 200 years and had seen people come and go, and had seen tree after tree disappear. He said that this was the first time he had ever spoken to a human, and that I was the only one who could do something to stop destructive deforestation.
But I, of course, despite appearances, am only one man, what can I do? It was then that he lowered a branch and pulled me closer and whispered into my ear exactly what I should do.
It was a funny thing that happened. You know when someone says something to you, and you didn't hear it, but you pretend that you did? That.

My plans

I was supposed to be attending a Workaholics Anonymous meeting last night, but I couldn't be arsed. I reckon I'm cured.

Misunderstandings!

I'm "always" getting into misunderstandings with people. Sometimes my "brain" doesn't focus properly, and I don't catch someone's true meaning. I've had this problem ever since I used my mobile phone near a microwave. Double radiation!
One such instance of a misundertanding happened at a "party", in the "kitchen." I was asking another gentleman how he knew the host of the party. He told me he knew him from the gym, and that he was there to "network."
I misunderstood this and proceeded to throw him through a window.

So be warned, if I meet you at a "party" and you tell me you like to "network", the words I actually hear are, "harm me, please."

You bunch of twats, you.

Some controversial opinions

"Say what you like about Hitler, he wouldn't let the buses get as bad as this."

"I wouldn't send them immigrants home, no I wouldn't. I'd have 'em come round to my house, AND WASH MY FUCKING CAR!"

"The Welsh? Waste of bastard time."

"WHAT DO YA MEAN, 'WHY CAN'T I WASH IT MYSELF?' I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO, I WAS BORN IN THIS COUNTRY!"

"I prefer McFly to The Rolling Stones."

"Out of all The Beatles, the one who most deserved to get shot was probably Zeppo."

"If you do air quotes one more time, I swear to God I'll plug you right between the eyes, Grandma."

"Sure, you might have a PhD. But can you fit your whole fist in your mouth?"

"I'm not racist but I'd like to kill all Belgians. And their shitty buns."

"Instead of giving all their money away to starving Africans, Oxfam should start helping the aged, because Help the Aged aren't doing a very good job. I'm getting older every sodding day."

This ain't what it's supposed to be like, man

Look at you, man. Working your "9 to 5." Where's your soul, man? You used to be cool. Man.
What you don't seem to get is that this ain't a game. This is life, bro. This ain't some kooky-ass game you play with your grandma. How is she by the way?
You gotta start livin' your life, man, 'cause I know you ain't like all them other suckers going to their "9 to 5s" like a bunch of cyborgs. Nor are you like them other suckers, going to their "10 to 6s" or "7 to 3s." Wake up and smell the coffee, dude.
I've always said, if I ever become one of them squares you see running for the train in the morning, just shoot me man. It ain't my fault the people I say that to are London police officers, and that I look like a Brazilian electrician.
You need to chill, man. That "career" you've been bitching about is nothing but a crock. You're a slave to the Man, man. I don't do no job for nobody, and I'm living a real life, dude. Way beyond the comprehension of all them squares you work for down at that "supermarket" you work at, Mr Big Shot.
So think about that, while you're slave away for some rich guy who's just gonna spend all his dough on a new Mercedes or his bitch. Think about how you could be living a real life with me. Think about how you would be getting invited to all the real parties, with all the real people. Think about how you could buy real White Lightning with your real giro from the real Job Centre. Think about it, man. Don't say I didn't warn you when you're trapped in the 'burbs with a couple of kids, man. Don't say I didn't warn you.



P.S. If you do get stuck in the 'burbs, could I come and stay? Thanks, man.

When I grow up

Some people say that the pen is mightier than the sword. But I usually say to them, 'Ha! Those two words look like penis!'

Buzzards' 100th Post!

Can you believe it? 100 posts! Now we've reached such an auspicious occasion, let's look back at the 99 little nuggets of joy that Buzzards has brought.

Well, you look back. I can't be arsed.

"Life is nothing but a crap shoot..."

Ha! Crap.

My Eastenders Scripts

I have been commissioned to write some scripts for Eastenders, and in a potentially contract-breaching exclusive, I am going to now reveal synopses for these upcoming episodes.

Script 1
Roxy and Ronnie have a cat fight in the Vic. Billy wonders how he is going to find the rent money. Danielle has another abortion.

Script 2
After their intense fight, Roxy and Ronnie reconcile when they discover that they aren't actually sisters, and can continue their affair. Billy finds the rent money down the back of the settee, and has enough left over to get that abortion he's been after.

Script 3
Flaming Mo does some sort of dodgy deal, or something. I don't know. Bianca gets all gobby and ginger, and all the lads down the Vic chip in so Shirley and Dot can both have abortions.

Script 4
Knee-deep in aborted foetuses, the residents of Albert Square go to a firework display. Minty and Heather share a passionate kiss as the nation gags. Expect abortions.

Script 5
Incensed by the current storylines, a large team of pro-life campaigners storm the set and attempt to burn it down. They've nearly overpowered security when Ricky comes out and talks some sense into them. Eventually, everyone agrees that it is OK to have differing opinions and they all have a good laugh, and Peggy says 'Everybody, abortions on the 'ouse!' And the show ends with everybody having abortions. Nice.


If you have been affected by any of the issues raised by these synopses, please stop watching Eastenders now and forever.

Some story ideas

Two lovers stroll along the beach, under the moonlight. The man picks up a stick and draws their names in the sand, with a big heart in the middle. He turns to his love and he says, 'Although the tides will wash this away, our love, like the ocean itself, will be eternal.'
The next day, another man, whose marriage has just broken down, happens upon the faded drawing and is heartened by its youthful optimism. His happiness is shortlived however, as when he gets back to his car, he finds that it has been clamped.

A man runs a failing greengrocers, and on the last day of business, watches as his unsold stock rots. This reminds him of the fragility of life and his own mortality, and as he closes the shutters for the last time, he vows to live life to the full.
A week later, he falls off a mountain whilst rock climbing and dies, but just before he expires he thinks, 'Well, what a load of balls that was.'

A woman is awoke by a noise in her house and gets up to investigate. The next thing she knows, she in unconscious and wakes up in a room she doesn't recognise. Then, as her eyes focus, she realises that she actually does recognise the room, and that she has fallen over her brass pig ornament again.
The next day, she thinks about throwing the ornament out, but then remembers that her Aunty Betty gave it to her before she died, so instead, she sells it on eBay, where it fetches £12.50.

A couple go to a ballet. the woman enjoys it, but the man doesn't and is visibly bored. When they arrive home, they bicker and argue, but the next day they are both dead from carbon monoxide poisoning.

A man buys a brass pig ornament on eBay and is disappointed as it's smaller than it looked on the website. He thinks about leaving neutral feedback, but then leaves positive, because he doesn't want to cause a fuss.
Later, his payslip arrives and when he realises that his employer has overpaid him, has a sly chuckle to himself about how things always seem to even themselves out.

My Foray into Observational Comedy Part 1: Phrases

Killing two birds with one stone? What's all that about, like? Bit cruel isn't it? Why would you want to kill two birds? Eh? Who are you, Elmer Fudd? (In Elmer Fudd's voice) I gotta kill those two boids, but I only got one stone!

More than one way to skin a cat? How do you know, eh? Do you do it all the time, you sicko?

Don't teach your granny to suck eggs? Why not? Eh? Eh? Why would you want to do that in the first place? That's just weird that, innit? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh?


Get off the stage? What's all that about?







Eh?

A response to Jonss

In today's Sun, Celebrity Big Brother winner Ulrika Jonsson asks the question on everyone's lips,

'How can a country that fought so valiantly in two World Wars be brought to its knees by snow?'

An interesting question, and one that can be answered simply and with very little thought. You see, this nation of ours won two World wars with soldiers and tanks and planes and such. You can't stop snow with things like that. Believe me, I've tried. I spent most of Sunday night wildly firing my gun into the air in an effort to kill the snow cloud. But you know what? It can't be killed. Not by me and not by you, Ulrika.



You daft bitch.

A fast word about money

Wealth is a funny thing, but not as funny as a clown. Some people are scared of clowns. Get real. It's just a man wearing make-up. Stop being such a baby and fetch me a drink.

A Terrifying Tale...

As I sat in the old, abandoned log cabin, idly playing with a Ouija board covered in the blood of a Native American, I heard a thud on the window. It's just the wind, I told myself. That mysterious curse that killed all those cheerleaders is long gone.
Then, in the distance, I heard a chilling scream. It's just the wind, I told myself. Just the wind screaming like it's being dismembered.
I must have fallen asleep, because I remember opening my eyes and seeing a dark figure hovering over me and whispering, 'Get out!' It's just the wind, I told myself. Just the wind taking on a physical presence and whispering menacing things to me.
I was trying to reassure myself, but I was so scared that my thoughts were italicising. Quickly, I threw a dressing gown over my negilgee and ran out to my car. I put the key in the ignition and turned it. Nothing. the car wouldn't start. Then, I realised that I was trying to start a lawn mower and ran over to my real car. That started and I drove as fast as I could to the nearest town to find a hotel. It was there that a terrifying realisation dawned on me...

THE ONLY AVAILABLE HOTEL WAS A HOLIDAY INN!

Also, I had diarrhoea.