Deleted Scenes

Given the appalling infrequency of which I update this site, you'll be surprised to learn that I actually write a blog every single day.

'Every single day?' I hear you cry. 'But where are these blogs, where have you hidden them?'

Well, I can answer that question; you see, I am such a perfectionist and my standards are so stringent, that only the very best blogs are ever seen by the public. But now, in the spirit of Easter time sharing and joy, I will publish excerpts from past unseen blogs for the very first time. Enjoy...

I find it very difficult to pickle an onion without thinking about how much easier it would be to just buy a jar of pre-pickled onions from the supermarket. But this is an obstacle I will have to overcome if I am ever to realise my dream of owning my own onion pickling factory.
- from the blog 'Onions' 19/2/2009

Discotheques are all very well and good, but they'll never replace the experience of a full brass section parping in one's face.
- from the blog 'Bad fart jokes' 2/7/2009

If Shakespeare were alive today, there are many questions I would like to ask him, such as 'How did you live to be so old?'
- from the blog 'Shakespeare in Gloves' 29/11/2009

Why can't I get on the telly? Is it because I don't have big hair, skinny jeans and a tendency to talk about 'random' things that happened to me? Or is it because the bigwigs can't deal with the way I constantly speak in patois?
- from the blog 'The rantings of a struggling, bitter comedian' 3/2/2010

I think what sets me out from the crowd is my keen attention to detial.
- from the blog 'My CV' 5/9/2010

The man told me the only show I'd ever be on was Crimewatch. Which turned out to be true, because after he said that I killed him.
- from the blog 'The rantings of a struggling, bitter comedian part two' 2/12/2010

Happy "New" Year!

"Happy New Year!" That's what some people say. These are the kinds of people that would probably celebrate Super Big, Bad Nazi Day if such a thing existed. These people are suckers. Because I think that if one were to rationally survey the facts for more than a millisecond, one would see that this "new" year we're all so pleased about is actually an old one. Consider the following facts:

• We're in a recession.
• We're in the midst of a war in Iraq.
• The Prime Minister is grey-skinned and dour.
• The biggest band in the country is Take That.

Based on this evidence, I think we can safely conclude that the year is not 2009, but actually 1992.