Jokes that just don't work in stand up. Part Five

I've been thinking what I'd name my kids, and looking at celebrity baby names. Courtney Cox from Friends named her daughter Coco; she took the first two letters from her first name and the first two from her second name.
I've been thinking of doing that, but then I realised that it would be, Ben Davids: Beda (pronounced bidet, proper funny, innit?)
And I tell you someone else who shouldn't use that method to name their kid; Pete Doherty.


What normally followed was a short silence while the audience figured the joke out, followed by an even longer silence when they realised it was shit.

Jokes that just don't work in stand-up. Part Three.

The Catholic Church is modernising these days. The other day I saw a newspaper advert from them, offering contraceptive advice... I say it's an advert, it was actually more of a pullout.

A pullout?






VOICE FROM THE BACK: Get off the stage! This is a Bar Mitzvah!

Jokes that just don't work in stand-up. Part Two.

I believe it was Forrest Gump that said, 'Life is like a box of chocolates.' I think this is fraudulent. Because to me, life is more like a kick in the nuts; quick, painful, and afterwards you need to lie down for a good while.

Jokes that just don't work in stand-up. Part One.

As you may be aware, from time to time I am wont to take to the stage and say words that, in a certain order, will elicit shrieks of recognition from the assembled gawkers. Part of this strange vocation is testing out new material, and sadly, there are some "jokes" that never, or at least very rarely, elicit the aforementioned shrieks, no matter how loud I scream them at people from a stage, or a moving bus.
This series of blog posts will be dedicated to these nuggets of brilliance that, much like the works of Vincent van Gogh, will only be appreciated after my death, which will presumably come as a result of being savagely beaten by an exasperated audience. I hope this will give you a window into my creative process, and serve as a kind of 'Deleted Scenes" for my hackneyed and, let's face it, cack, stand-up routine.


Q. Why did Margaret Thatcher get bedsores?
A. Because this lady's not for turning!


Eh? Eh? Yeah, you love it.