Ricky!

Will there ever be any end to the madness?
As much as I love Ricky Tomlinson AKA Jim Royle AKA That Bloke from Brookie AKA Ricky Tomlinson, I find his series of My Arse products rather grating.
There's Football My Arse, Christmas My Arse, TV My Arse, whatever next?
I'd like to think that a picture book detailing Ricky's routine colonoscopy would be released, because it would be called My Arse My Arse. And what if he released a compilation of the entire My Arse series? Imagine that.




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I have no head for numbers

When I were a lad, I never did understand algebra. It was a foreign concept to me, the idea that n could equal a number.
I remember on one occasion, I was presented with an algebra equation to solve, and could not make head nor tail of it.
Eventually, I turned to the boy sitting next to me, the class brainbox, Clark Clerk, and asked him for the answer,
"No," he said, sharply, but I persisted.
"Ah go on," I said.
Angrily he turned to me and said, "What part of no don't you understand?"
I said, "n."

Thank you algebra lovers!

They smilin' in your face, but all the time they wanna take your place, the Backstabbers...

BACKSTABBERS!

Pet Peeves: People who "tell it like it is"

I dislike people who claim to "tell it like it is." Not because I am averse to honesty, you understand, but because when people describe themselves as someone who "tells is like it is," what they actually mean to say is, "I am one rude and nasty person right here."
It seems you can't do anything these days without someone trying to force their opinions on you,

"That joke isn't very good."

"Your dress sense is poor at best."

"You probably shouldn't wear your blindfold whilst driving."

Blah, blah, blah.

I have many famous friends

It's true! Just the other day, I had Dog the Bounty Hunter and Cat Stevens round for tea. They didn't get along.
Dog just kept pinning him into corners and biting him. I tried to calm him down by saying, 'Wait, Dog, his name's not even Cat anymore, it's Yusuf Islam!'
But that just seemed to make him worse.