Monday 25 April 2011

Deleted Scenes

Given the appalling infrequency of which I update this site, you'll be surprised to learn that I actually write a blog every single day.

'Every single day?' I hear you cry. 'But where are these blogs, where have you hidden them?'

Well, I can answer that question; you see, I am such a perfectionist and my standards are so stringent, that only the very best blogs are ever seen by the public. But now, in the spirit of Easter time sharing and joy, I will publish excerpts from past unseen blogs for the very first time. Enjoy...

I find it very difficult to pickle an onion without thinking about how much easier it would be to just buy a jar of pre-pickled onions from the supermarket. But this is an obstacle I will have to overcome if I am ever to realise my dream of owning my own onion pickling factory.
- from the blog 'Onions' 19/2/2009

Discotheques are all very well and good, but they'll never replace the experience of a full brass section parping in one's face.
- from the blog 'Bad fart jokes' 2/7/2009

If Shakespeare were alive today, there are many questions I would like to ask him, such as 'How did you live to be so old?'
- from the blog 'Shakespeare in Gloves' 29/11/2009

Why can't I get on the telly? Is it because I don't have big hair, skinny jeans and a tendency to talk about 'random' things that happened to me? Or is it because the bigwigs can't deal with the way I constantly speak in patois?
- from the blog 'The rantings of a struggling, bitter comedian' 3/2/2010

I think what sets me out from the crowd is my keen attention to detial.
- from the blog 'My CV' 5/9/2010

The man told me the only show I'd ever be on was Crimewatch. Which turned out to be true, because after he said that I killed him.
- from the blog 'The rantings of a struggling, bitter comedian part two' 2/12/2010

Wednesday 20 April 2011

Facebook!

Facebook! Shit! It’s the future! Shit!

It has come to my attention recently that I have been ‘de-friended’ by five people on that Facebook. Five people! Now, to someone with 2000 ‘friends’ on there, that doesn’t make much of a dent, but when you have as few as me, you begin to notice, and begin to question what it is that’s causing people to ‘de-friend’ you.

Is it because I comment on everyone’s status updates with ‘lol’, regardless of whether what they were saying was funny?

Is it because I overuse the affectionate nickname ‘Fats’ when commenting on their photos?

Is it because I insist on telling everyone what I’m doing all the time, including toilet visits?

Well, if they don’t like it, they can go to hell. No, I don’t mean that, I miss them. Especially that one. That one whose status updates were 40% complaining about traffic and 60% thinly veiled homoerotic fantasies about John Barrowman. Take me back! Please!

Wednesday 13 April 2011

Me no hablo

I find the British abroad embarrassing. I am personally ashamed that we cannot speak any other languages and expect everyone else to learn ours.

For example, when I was in Spain, this man came up to me and said, 'Hola. Estoy buscando para comprar algunos medicamentos en el área. ¿Sabe usted dónde podría ser capaz de conseguir algo de lo que mi amigo y yo podemos alcanzar un estado químicamente mejorado alucinógenas de la conciencia? Su ayuda en este tema sería muy apreciada ya que todos estamos muy interesados ​​en comprar algunos medicamentos. Tengo sido informóque este es un buen lugar para adquirirlos, pero no estoy seguro del lugar específico a seguir. Además, puede que necesite un cajero automático como tengo algo de dinero en mi poder, pero quizás no lo suficiente para comprar la cantidad de medicamentos que se necesitan. Me han dicho que voy a comprar, ya que es el cumpleaños de mi amigo y será un regalo especial para él. Gracias por su ayuda en este asunto.'

And I had no idea what he was talking about.

Tuesday 5 April 2011

Disappointing Dad

This is a new comic about a Dad who is disappointing.