They say that the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.
That's a crap trick. Try pulling a rabbit out of a hat, you demon bastard.
Tuesday 8 September 2009
Buzzards Celebrity Blog Number Nine: Satan
They say that the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.
That's a crap trick. Try pulling a rabbit out of a hat, you demon bastard.
Pizza Burgers
When I was a kid, my friend Colin invented pizza burgers. For the uninitiated, pizza burgers are two baps, with tomato puree and cheese, put under the grill for five minutes.
Anyway, after school, Colin and I lost touch, but recently I heard that his wife had been having an affair. We met at a school reunion last week and had a few drinks, and I asked him how his wife was and if she'd run off with any stange men lately.
Then he went all quiet and distant for a while. I guess he was too busy thinking about pizza burgers or something.
Anyway, after school, Colin and I lost touch, but recently I heard that his wife had been having an affair. We met at a school reunion last week and had a few drinks, and I asked him how his wife was and if she'd run off with any stange men lately.
Then he went all quiet and distant for a while. I guess he was too busy thinking about pizza burgers or something.
Monday 7 September 2009
Sunday 6 September 2009
My first tabloid column
Jenk 'Jenk' Jenkins was a kind and generous man. Everyone he met remarked on how 'kind and generous' he was.
But Jenk 'Jenk', 'kind and generous' Jenkins had a secret. He was dying of AIDS. Not the kind you get from sex, but another kind.
Jenk 'Jenk' ,'kind and generous', 'dying of non-sex AIDS' Jenkins didn't want to die in agony, he wanted to die on his own terms.
Jenk 'Jenk', 'kind and generous', 'dying of non-sex AIDS', 'suicidal' Jenkins held up a bank with a toy gun, and was promptly shot dead by police.
Police issued a statement, saying they regretted that Jenk 'Jenk', 'kind and generous', 'dying of non-sex AIDS', 'suicidal', 'shot dead by a police marksman' Jenkins, chose to end his life in such a way.
That's all very well and good, but what about the paedophiles?
But Jenk 'Jenk', 'kind and generous' Jenkins had a secret. He was dying of AIDS. Not the kind you get from sex, but another kind.
Jenk 'Jenk' ,'kind and generous', 'dying of non-sex AIDS' Jenkins didn't want to die in agony, he wanted to die on his own terms.
Jenk 'Jenk', 'kind and generous', 'dying of non-sex AIDS', 'suicidal' Jenkins held up a bank with a toy gun, and was promptly shot dead by police.
Police issued a statement, saying they regretted that Jenk 'Jenk', 'kind and generous', 'dying of non-sex AIDS', 'suicidal', 'shot dead by a police marksman' Jenkins, chose to end his life in such a way.
That's all very well and good, but what about the paedophiles?
Wednesday 2 September 2009
Prison Break
If you do the crime, you’ve got to be prepared to do the time. That’s what they say, but let me tell you, when the fuzz dragged me out of my digs, screaming like the fanbelt on my old Vauxhall Astra, I didn’t feel prepared for the chokey.
The judge gave me twenty years after the jury returned a unanimous guilty verdict. Apparently, it took them all of twenty seconds to reach it; they elected to spend the rest of the two hours playing Pictionary, just to add to the suspense. Although, if you ask me, if you want a game with suspense, try Buckaroo.
I was twelve days into my sentence when I decided to escape. Me and a permissive Filipino lag called Eduardo crept out dressed as a pantomime horse. Regrettably, once we were clear, we grew listless and lost our way, eventually wandering onto the Grand National racecourse, midrace. We were doing well until we took a nasty tumble on the last furlong and Eduardo had to be euthanized.
Now, as I sit in my cell, contemplating my now-doubled sentence; I am sniffing the very same glue that Eduardo was made into. Cosmic, eh?
The judge gave me twenty years after the jury returned a unanimous guilty verdict. Apparently, it took them all of twenty seconds to reach it; they elected to spend the rest of the two hours playing Pictionary, just to add to the suspense. Although, if you ask me, if you want a game with suspense, try Buckaroo.
I was twelve days into my sentence when I decided to escape. Me and a permissive Filipino lag called Eduardo crept out dressed as a pantomime horse. Regrettably, once we were clear, we grew listless and lost our way, eventually wandering onto the Grand National racecourse, midrace. We were doing well until we took a nasty tumble on the last furlong and Eduardo had to be euthanized.
Now, as I sit in my cell, contemplating my now-doubled sentence; I am sniffing the very same glue that Eduardo was made into. Cosmic, eh?
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