I would imagine...

...that it would be difficult to instigate industrial action in a bowling alley and be taken seriously.

Pontificating into the void

This economic climate is a bad one. You might say things like, 'Yeah but, get some perspective, it's hardly the apocalypse,' but you're an idiot. Because it is the apocalypse. You get some perspective. From a cow's bum.
We need to alter this course of events if we are to survive, we need to get out of this dire economic climate.

Yep, a little bit of climate change is all we need.

Why it would be great to be the Pope. Part 1: Papal Infallibility

Example 1: Scrabble

CARDINAL GUALTIERI: You can't have that, it's not even a word!

POPE: I am the Pope, and I say that Fuckwidget is a word, and I claim my 160 points!


Example 2: le Boudoir

WOMAN: No, I've got a headache!

POPE: Oh no you haven't!

Reverse Psychology

ygolohcysP

Yeah. This is the good stuff.

Romance and Innovation: Together at Last

Last night, my partner and I went out to a restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. The venue in question was one, 'Big Pam's All-You-Can-Scoff Buffet.' A fine little place where one can gleefully masticate all the lamb chops he desires.
Anyway, as I sat there, pretending to listen to one of my partners lectures about how I shouldn't swill my toothbrush in the toilet bowl, an idea began to form in my mind...
What about a restaurant where instead of you going and fetching your food from a trough, people, employed by the proprietor, namely Big Pam, bring food to you, straight from the kitchen?
They would then wait for you to finish, and wait for you to order more drinks or a dessert; food serving technicians, they'd be called.
I know, it's a crazy idea, but maybe one day in the future, all restaurants will be like my vision, and people will praise me as a luminary and innovator. Maybe, just maybe.

Also, I now have an intestinal blockage.

Things I have learned whilst visiting London

1. Orthodox Jews can't make toast on the Sabbath.
2. When they say 'Mind the doors,' they bloody well mean it.
3. Hahaha! Cockfosters!

My foray into "measured" comedy...

I have been. Considering. What.
It would be like. To. Wear a kilt. Even though. I.
Am not Scottish. I would imagine that I. Would get embroiled. Somehow.
In some controversy. Where people. Think I’m some kind. Of.

Racist. Even though. I am not.


A racist. Or.
Perhaps.
A gust. Of. W. ind. Would blow my. Kilt. Up. Around my face.
Exposing my. Quaint. And disappointing.




Genitals.

A note for students

Boris Johnson is not, never has been, and never will be, a "legend." He is a very real, and very dangerous, shockingly right-wing man.

The same goes for Mr T. Probably.

Collections

I have been collecting celebrity names that are reminiscent of fishing. So far I've got Dr Hook, Rod Stewart, Annette Benning, and Trevor Haddock. I didn't say it was a big collection.