Knutsford services.
2 AM.
When all the no-good hustlers and dog-tired shylocks scuttle down the M6.
No thanks, man. I'm already a member.
He knows I ain't a member, but he lets it go, 'cause we're brothers, him and me.
Three quid for a Ginster's?
You can't put a price on pasties, man.
I only came in for a cack anyway.
Shabba.
Wednesday 25 February 2009
Tuesday 17 February 2009
McPhilosophy
What came first, the McChicken Sandwich or the Egg McMuffin?
If a tree falls in the forest, and no-one is around to hear it, that's good because it means more people will be buying burgers rather than being distracted by trees falling down all the time.
On that subject, I was trekking through the woods the other day on the promise of a secret dog show (NB: I now know what 'dogging' means and frankly, I'm disgusted) when a voice stopped me. I looked around but there was no-one to be seen. Eventually, I located the source of the sound; it was a tree!
I stopped and listened as the tree told me that when loggers cut into a tree, it can feel real pain and it dies a death just as real a human. He told me that he had stood on that spot for nigh on 200 years and had seen people come and go, and had seen tree after tree disappear. He said that this was the first time he had ever spoken to a human, and that I was the only one who could do something to stop destructive deforestation.
But I, of course, despite appearances, am only one man, what can I do? It was then that he lowered a branch and pulled me closer and whispered into my ear exactly what I should do.
It was a funny thing that happened. You know when someone says something to you, and you didn't hear it, but you pretend that you did? That.
If a tree falls in the forest, and no-one is around to hear it, that's good because it means more people will be buying burgers rather than being distracted by trees falling down all the time.
On that subject, I was trekking through the woods the other day on the promise of a secret dog show (NB: I now know what 'dogging' means and frankly, I'm disgusted) when a voice stopped me. I looked around but there was no-one to be seen. Eventually, I located the source of the sound; it was a tree!
I stopped and listened as the tree told me that when loggers cut into a tree, it can feel real pain and it dies a death just as real a human. He told me that he had stood on that spot for nigh on 200 years and had seen people come and go, and had seen tree after tree disappear. He said that this was the first time he had ever spoken to a human, and that I was the only one who could do something to stop destructive deforestation.
But I, of course, despite appearances, am only one man, what can I do? It was then that he lowered a branch and pulled me closer and whispered into my ear exactly what I should do.
It was a funny thing that happened. You know when someone says something to you, and you didn't hear it, but you pretend that you did? That.
Sunday 15 February 2009
My plans
I was supposed to be attending a Workaholics Anonymous meeting last night, but I couldn't be arsed. I reckon I'm cured.
Misunderstandings!
I'm "always" getting into misunderstandings with people. Sometimes my "brain" doesn't focus properly, and I don't catch someone's true meaning. I've had this problem ever since I used my mobile phone near a microwave. Double radiation!
One such instance of a misundertanding happened at a "party", in the "kitchen." I was asking another gentleman how he knew the host of the party. He told me he knew him from the gym, and that he was there to "network."
I misunderstood this and proceeded to throw him through a window.
So be warned, if I meet you at a "party" and you tell me you like to "network", the words I actually hear are, "harm me, please."
You bunch of twats, you.
One such instance of a misundertanding happened at a "party", in the "kitchen." I was asking another gentleman how he knew the host of the party. He told me he knew him from the gym, and that he was there to "network."
I misunderstood this and proceeded to throw him through a window.
So be warned, if I meet you at a "party" and you tell me you like to "network", the words I actually hear are, "harm me, please."
You bunch of twats, you.
Thursday 12 February 2009
Some controversial opinions
"Say what you like about Hitler, he wouldn't let the buses get as bad as this."
"I wouldn't send them immigrants home, no I wouldn't. I'd have 'em come round to my house, AND WASH MY FUCKING CAR!"
"The Welsh? Waste of bastard time."
"WHAT DO YA MEAN, 'WHY CAN'T I WASH IT MYSELF?' I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO, I WAS BORN IN THIS COUNTRY!"
"I prefer McFly to The Rolling Stones."
"Out of all The Beatles, the one who most deserved to get shot was probably Zeppo."
"If you do air quotes one more time, I swear to God I'll plug you right between the eyes, Grandma."
"Sure, you might have a PhD. But can you fit your whole fist in your mouth?"
"I'm not racist but I'd like to kill all Belgians. And their shitty buns."
"Instead of giving all their money away to starving Africans, Oxfam should start helping the aged, because Help the Aged aren't doing a very good job. I'm getting older every sodding day."
"I wouldn't send them immigrants home, no I wouldn't. I'd have 'em come round to my house, AND WASH MY FUCKING CAR!"
"The Welsh? Waste of bastard time."
"WHAT DO YA MEAN, 'WHY CAN'T I WASH IT MYSELF?' I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO, I WAS BORN IN THIS COUNTRY!"
"I prefer McFly to The Rolling Stones."
"Out of all The Beatles, the one who most deserved to get shot was probably Zeppo."
"If you do air quotes one more time, I swear to God I'll plug you right between the eyes, Grandma."
"Sure, you might have a PhD. But can you fit your whole fist in your mouth?"
"I'm not racist but I'd like to kill all Belgians. And their shitty buns."
"Instead of giving all their money away to starving Africans, Oxfam should start helping the aged, because Help the Aged aren't doing a very good job. I'm getting older every sodding day."
Wednesday 11 February 2009
This ain't what it's supposed to be like, man
Look at you, man. Working your "9 to 5." Where's your soul, man? You used to be cool. Man.
What you don't seem to get is that this ain't a game. This is life, bro. This ain't some kooky-ass game you play with your grandma. How is she by the way?
You gotta start livin' your life, man, 'cause I know you ain't like all them other suckers going to their "9 to 5s" like a bunch of cyborgs. Nor are you like them other suckers, going to their "10 to 6s" or "7 to 3s." Wake up and smell the coffee, dude.
I've always said, if I ever become one of them squares you see running for the train in the morning, just shoot me man. It ain't my fault the people I say that to are London police officers, and that I look like a Brazilian electrician.
You need to chill, man. That "career" you've been bitching about is nothing but a crock. You're a slave to the Man, man. I don't do no job for nobody, and I'm living a real life, dude. Way beyond the comprehension of all them squares you work for down at that "supermarket" you work at, Mr Big Shot.
So think about that, while you're slave away for some rich guy who's just gonna spend all his dough on a new Mercedes or his bitch. Think about how you could be living a real life with me. Think about how you would be getting invited to all the real parties, with all the real people. Think about how you could buy real White Lightning with your real giro from the real Job Centre. Think about it, man. Don't say I didn't warn you when you're trapped in the 'burbs with a couple of kids, man. Don't say I didn't warn you.
P.S. If you do get stuck in the 'burbs, could I come and stay? Thanks, man.
What you don't seem to get is that this ain't a game. This is life, bro. This ain't some kooky-ass game you play with your grandma. How is she by the way?
You gotta start livin' your life, man, 'cause I know you ain't like all them other suckers going to their "9 to 5s" like a bunch of cyborgs. Nor are you like them other suckers, going to their "10 to 6s" or "7 to 3s." Wake up and smell the coffee, dude.
I've always said, if I ever become one of them squares you see running for the train in the morning, just shoot me man. It ain't my fault the people I say that to are London police officers, and that I look like a Brazilian electrician.
You need to chill, man. That "career" you've been bitching about is nothing but a crock. You're a slave to the Man, man. I don't do no job for nobody, and I'm living a real life, dude. Way beyond the comprehension of all them squares you work for down at that "supermarket" you work at, Mr Big Shot.
So think about that, while you're slave away for some rich guy who's just gonna spend all his dough on a new Mercedes or his bitch. Think about how you could be living a real life with me. Think about how you would be getting invited to all the real parties, with all the real people. Think about how you could buy real White Lightning with your real giro from the real Job Centre. Think about it, man. Don't say I didn't warn you when you're trapped in the 'burbs with a couple of kids, man. Don't say I didn't warn you.
P.S. If you do get stuck in the 'burbs, could I come and stay? Thanks, man.
Monday 9 February 2009
When I grow up
Some people say that the pen is mightier than the sword. But I usually say to them, 'Ha! Those two words look like penis!'
Buzzards' 100th Post!
Can you believe it? 100 posts! Now we've reached such an auspicious occasion, let's look back at the 99 little nuggets of joy that Buzzards has brought.
Well, you look back. I can't be arsed.
Well, you look back. I can't be arsed.
Saturday 7 February 2009
My Eastenders Scripts
I have been commissioned to write some scripts for Eastenders, and in a potentially contract-breaching exclusive, I am going to now reveal synopses for these upcoming episodes.
Script 1
Roxy and Ronnie have a cat fight in the Vic. Billy wonders how he is going to find the rent money. Danielle has another abortion.
Script 2
After their intense fight, Roxy and Ronnie reconcile when they discover that they aren't actually sisters, and can continue their affair. Billy finds the rent money down the back of the settee, and has enough left over to get that abortion he's been after.
Script 3
Flaming Mo does some sort of dodgy deal, or something. I don't know. Bianca gets all gobby and ginger, and all the lads down the Vic chip in so Shirley and Dot can both have abortions.
Script 4
Knee-deep in aborted foetuses, the residents of Albert Square go to a firework display. Minty and Heather share a passionate kiss as the nation gags. Expect abortions.
Script 5
Incensed by the current storylines, a large team of pro-life campaigners storm the set and attempt to burn it down. They've nearly overpowered security when Ricky comes out and talks some sense into them. Eventually, everyone agrees that it is OK to have differing opinions and they all have a good laugh, and Peggy says 'Everybody, abortions on the 'ouse!' And the show ends with everybody having abortions. Nice.
If you have been affected by any of the issues raised by these synopses, please stop watching Eastenders now and forever.
Script 1
Roxy and Ronnie have a cat fight in the Vic. Billy wonders how he is going to find the rent money. Danielle has another abortion.
Script 2
After their intense fight, Roxy and Ronnie reconcile when they discover that they aren't actually sisters, and can continue their affair. Billy finds the rent money down the back of the settee, and has enough left over to get that abortion he's been after.
Script 3
Flaming Mo does some sort of dodgy deal, or something. I don't know. Bianca gets all gobby and ginger, and all the lads down the Vic chip in so Shirley and Dot can both have abortions.
Script 4
Knee-deep in aborted foetuses, the residents of Albert Square go to a firework display. Minty and Heather share a passionate kiss as the nation gags. Expect abortions.
Script 5
Incensed by the current storylines, a large team of pro-life campaigners storm the set and attempt to burn it down. They've nearly overpowered security when Ricky comes out and talks some sense into them. Eventually, everyone agrees that it is OK to have differing opinions and they all have a good laugh, and Peggy says 'Everybody, abortions on the 'ouse!' And the show ends with everybody having abortions. Nice.
If you have been affected by any of the issues raised by these synopses, please stop watching Eastenders now and forever.
Wednesday 4 February 2009
Some story ideas
Two lovers stroll along the beach, under the moonlight. The man picks up a stick and draws their names in the sand, with a big heart in the middle. He turns to his love and he says, 'Although the tides will wash this away, our love, like the ocean itself, will be eternal.'
The next day, another man, whose marriage has just broken down, happens upon the faded drawing and is heartened by its youthful optimism. His happiness is shortlived however, as when he gets back to his car, he finds that it has been clamped.
A man runs a failing greengrocers, and on the last day of business, watches as his unsold stock rots. This reminds him of the fragility of life and his own mortality, and as he closes the shutters for the last time, he vows to live life to the full.
A week later, he falls off a mountain whilst rock climbing and dies, but just before he expires he thinks, 'Well, what a load of balls that was.'
A woman is awoke by a noise in her house and gets up to investigate. The next thing she knows, she in unconscious and wakes up in a room she doesn't recognise. Then, as her eyes focus, she realises that she actually does recognise the room, and that she has fallen over her brass pig ornament again.
The next day, she thinks about throwing the ornament out, but then remembers that her Aunty Betty gave it to her before she died, so instead, she sells it on eBay, where it fetches £12.50.
A couple go to a ballet. the woman enjoys it, but the man doesn't and is visibly bored. When they arrive home, they bicker and argue, but the next day they are both dead from carbon monoxide poisoning.
A man buys a brass pig ornament on eBay and is disappointed as it's smaller than it looked on the website. He thinks about leaving neutral feedback, but then leaves positive, because he doesn't want to cause a fuss.
Later, his payslip arrives and when he realises that his employer has overpaid him, has a sly chuckle to himself about how things always seem to even themselves out.
The next day, another man, whose marriage has just broken down, happens upon the faded drawing and is heartened by its youthful optimism. His happiness is shortlived however, as when he gets back to his car, he finds that it has been clamped.
A man runs a failing greengrocers, and on the last day of business, watches as his unsold stock rots. This reminds him of the fragility of life and his own mortality, and as he closes the shutters for the last time, he vows to live life to the full.
A week later, he falls off a mountain whilst rock climbing and dies, but just before he expires he thinks, 'Well, what a load of balls that was.'
A woman is awoke by a noise in her house and gets up to investigate. The next thing she knows, she in unconscious and wakes up in a room she doesn't recognise. Then, as her eyes focus, she realises that she actually does recognise the room, and that she has fallen over her brass pig ornament again.
The next day, she thinks about throwing the ornament out, but then remembers that her Aunty Betty gave it to her before she died, so instead, she sells it on eBay, where it fetches £12.50.
A couple go to a ballet. the woman enjoys it, but the man doesn't and is visibly bored. When they arrive home, they bicker and argue, but the next day they are both dead from carbon monoxide poisoning.
A man buys a brass pig ornament on eBay and is disappointed as it's smaller than it looked on the website. He thinks about leaving neutral feedback, but then leaves positive, because he doesn't want to cause a fuss.
Later, his payslip arrives and when he realises that his employer has overpaid him, has a sly chuckle to himself about how things always seem to even themselves out.
Tuesday 3 February 2009
My Foray into Observational Comedy Part 1: Phrases
Killing two birds with one stone? What's all that about, like? Bit cruel isn't it? Why would you want to kill two birds? Eh? Who are you, Elmer Fudd? (In Elmer Fudd's voice) I gotta kill those two boids, but I only got one stone!
More than one way to skin a cat? How do you know, eh? Do you do it all the time, you sicko?
Don't teach your granny to suck eggs? Why not? Eh? Eh? Why would you want to do that in the first place? That's just weird that, innit? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh?
Get off the stage? What's all that about?
Eh?
More than one way to skin a cat? How do you know, eh? Do you do it all the time, you sicko?
Don't teach your granny to suck eggs? Why not? Eh? Eh? Why would you want to do that in the first place? That's just weird that, innit? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh?
Get off the stage? What's all that about?
Eh?
A response to Jonss
In today's Sun, Celebrity Big Brother winner Ulrika Jonsson asks the question on everyone's lips,
'How can a country that fought so valiantly in two World Wars be brought to its knees by snow?'
An interesting question, and one that can be answered simply and with very little thought. You see, this nation of ours won two World wars with soldiers and tanks and planes and such. You can't stop snow with things like that. Believe me, I've tried. I spent most of Sunday night wildly firing my gun into the air in an effort to kill the snow cloud. But you know what? It can't be killed. Not by me and not by you, Ulrika.
You daft bitch.
'How can a country that fought so valiantly in two World Wars be brought to its knees by snow?'
An interesting question, and one that can be answered simply and with very little thought. You see, this nation of ours won two World wars with soldiers and tanks and planes and such. You can't stop snow with things like that. Believe me, I've tried. I spent most of Sunday night wildly firing my gun into the air in an effort to kill the snow cloud. But you know what? It can't be killed. Not by me and not by you, Ulrika.
You daft bitch.
A fast word about money
Wealth is a funny thing, but not as funny as a clown. Some people are scared of clowns. Get real. It's just a man wearing make-up. Stop being such a baby and fetch me a drink.
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