A Terrifying Tale...

As I sat in the old, abandoned log cabin, idly playing with a Ouija board covered in the blood of a Native American, I heard a thud on the window. It's just the wind, I told myself. That mysterious curse that killed all those cheerleaders is long gone.
Then, in the distance, I heard a chilling scream. It's just the wind, I told myself. Just the wind screaming like it's being dismembered.
I must have fallen asleep, because I remember opening my eyes and seeing a dark figure hovering over me and whispering, 'Get out!' It's just the wind, I told myself. Just the wind taking on a physical presence and whispering menacing things to me.
I was trying to reassure myself, but I was so scared that my thoughts were italicising. Quickly, I threw a dressing gown over my negilgee and ran out to my car. I put the key in the ignition and turned it. Nothing. the car wouldn't start. Then, I realised that I was trying to start a lawn mower and ran over to my real car. That started and I drove as fast as I could to the nearest town to find a hotel. It was there that a terrifying realisation dawned on me...

THE ONLY AVAILABLE HOTEL WAS A HOLIDAY INN!

Also, I had diarrhoea.

Buzzards Celebrity Blog Number Seven: Scatman John

Reee ba ba ba da bop, ba ba ba da bop. Reee ba ba ba da bop, ba ba ba da, scabba dabba dabba. Ha! Brilliant. On a serious note, a friend of mine told me he's dead.

El Listo!

10. j
9. i
8. h
7. g
6. f
5. e
4. d
3. c
2. b
1. Del Boy falling through the bar.

Trouble in Paradise

MAN: I just feel like I don't know you any more, Brenda.

WOMAN: My name is Marilyn.

Private Dick

Our eyes met across the crowded room, the minute I saw her, I knew I had to have her. I clamped a fine Cuban between my teeth and walked over.
'Say, toots, do you got a light?' I said.
She looked at me and smiled. It was then that I realised that she wasn't as pretty as she looked from the other side of the crowded room, so I blurted out something about being a non-smoker and left.
The next day I went to the optometrist and found out I had cataracts. Seems a guy like me just can't catch a break in this town.

A word from the magic bean man

People often ask me if I regret swapping my magic beans for Jack's cow, but you know, he got to grow a beanstalk, kill a giant and be a big hero, but has he got free milk? No. No, he hasn't.

Top of the Props

As a comedian, I'm always looking for new ways to improve my act, so I've decided to become a prop comic.
I tried it out at my last gig, and it worked brilliantly, I told a few jokes, the audience were all laughing (inside) and I felt on top of the world. Then one chap, sitting in the front row said, quite loudly, 'Get off, you shitbag.' As a seasoned pro, I took this in my stride, and got my "prop" out. I set the action of my "prop" to 'incapacitate' and fired away at him for a good five minutes.
As I sat in my cell later, facing charges of assault and stealing, '"props" from a police officer, I thought about what a great job I did that night. 'Yes,' I thought. 'I'm gonna be a prop comic.'

An excerpt from an adventure story I'm writing...

I had battled demons and dragons and climbed deep into the caverns of Agribabwa, but finally I found the ancient treasure chest.
Using the sacred key of Nactata, which I had wrestled from around the neck of the ferocious Mugolian, I opened the chest and beheld the most beautiful treasure in the world; gold so lustrous that it lit up my face with its ethereal shine.
Pity I had to leave it there, in the end. I mean, it was bad enough getting down there, imagine getting back up, lugging a giant treasure chest. Also, I needed a wee.

A piece of conjecture...

They say that Nature's deadliest killing machine is Man. True, but what about if you tied a shark to a lion?

Buzzards Celebrity Blog Number Six: Prince Harry

Can you believe it? A young man of such power ridiculing others because of how they look? What a horrible, ginger bastard.

Cruisin' for a bruisin'

As I am currently a bit skint, I am now unable to go on my annual luxury cruise. So, to recreate the effect of drinking on the high seas, I now go down to my local Wetherspoon's and sway in my seat.

We Are The World

You should meet my friend, Jock. What a guy. He always wears a kilt, and can often be heard saying things like, 'Och,' and 'Bonnie.' And his favourite food is haggis.

Actually, now I think about it; he's not so much a friend as he is an ethnic stereotype.

CRIME! Together we'll crack it.

I've got a friend who's a criminal. He goes up and down the country grafitti'ing his name on toilets. I had to get him to stop offending, so I sat him down and said, 'Look, Armitage...'

Happy "New" Year!

"Happy New Year!" That's what some people say. These are the kinds of people that would probably celebrate Super Big, Bad Nazi Day if such a thing existed. These people are suckers. Because I think that if one were to rationally survey the facts for more than a millisecond, one would see that this "new" year we're all so pleased about is actually an old one. Consider the following facts:

• We're in a recession.
• We're in the midst of a war in Iraq.
• The Prime Minister is grey-skinned and dour.
• The biggest band in the country is Take That.

Based on this evidence, I think we can safely conclude that the year is not 2009, but actually 1992.