VICAR: If anyone knows any reason why these two people may not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.
VOICE FROM THE BACK: Ballbags!
Check back for more insights into the disability Vogue called, 'hilarious.'
Friday 31 October 2008
Most Haunted transcript...
YVETTE: Are there any spirits present? Tap the table if there are.
Nothing happens for a very long time.
YVETTE: Did you hear that?
Nothing happens for a very long time.
YVETTE: Did you hear that?
Wednesday 29 October 2008
Monday 27 October 2008
A sample...
...of my music news writing. I have just taken a position at 'SkumDisko' magazine as a news writer, and was given this whopper of a story as my first assignment:
A promising young indie band were killed last night after their tourbus skidded off a mountain and into the open mouth of a hungry, hungry Hippo.
The Gnomic Bonobos, an octet from the Isle of Sheppy, garnered considerable hype from the music press earlier this year, with the release of their debut album, 'Pictures of Fanny'; the NME describing it as 'a beast of a record. Like the Clash taking a dump on Brian Wilson whilst fellating Aphex Twin who is lending a Public Enemy record to the jitterbugging corpse of the Dave Clark Five who have been at an all-night cottaging party with the Clash. Wicked.'
The band's manager, Tony McShyster said their deaths were, 'a tragedy,' but conceded that the way they died was 'quite humourous.' Meanwhile, fans have been leaving heartfelt tributes of the band's myspace page, one even commenting that, 'the Gnomic Bonobos were my life.'
They tour from Monday.
A promising young indie band were killed last night after their tourbus skidded off a mountain and into the open mouth of a hungry, hungry Hippo.
The Gnomic Bonobos, an octet from the Isle of Sheppy, garnered considerable hype from the music press earlier this year, with the release of their debut album, 'Pictures of Fanny'; the NME describing it as 'a beast of a record. Like the Clash taking a dump on Brian Wilson whilst fellating Aphex Twin who is lending a Public Enemy record to the jitterbugging corpse of the Dave Clark Five who have been at an all-night cottaging party with the Clash. Wicked.'
The band's manager, Tony McShyster said their deaths were, 'a tragedy,' but conceded that the way they died was 'quite humourous.' Meanwhile, fans have been leaving heartfelt tributes of the band's myspace page, one even commenting that, 'the Gnomic Bonobos were my life.'
They tour from Monday.
Friday 24 October 2008
A protest song I've been working on...
Feel the rhythm,
Feel the beat,
Get on the dance floor and move your feet,
Put your hands in the air like you just don't care.
Free the Birmingham Six.
Feel the beat,
Get on the dance floor and move your feet,
Put your hands in the air like you just don't care.
Free the Birmingham Six.
Thursday 23 October 2008
A guitar solo I've been working on...
Wow, wow, wa, wa ,wah, waaaaaaoooww... diddly diddly diddly waaaaaoow, da, da ,da ,daaaoooowwwww, blaaahhhhhhh, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Rocking!
Rocking!
Jokes that just don't work in stand-up. Part Four.
When I was a young boy, I didn't want to be a footballer, or a rockstar, or even a fireman; I was different. I wanted to be the Pope. Strange you might say, but the thing that made me want to be the Pope in the first place was when I saw a picture of him meeting U2, and I thought, 'Wow, cool! Bono can kiss my ring as well.'
Tuesday 21 October 2008
Talking Points
1. OBAMA
BIDEN
2. OBAMAS
BI DEN
3. OBAMSA
BI DEN
4. OBASMA
BI ADEN
5. OBSAMA
BI LADEN
6. OSAMA
BIN LADEN
See? Only six steps away from the Axis of Evil.
Jokes that just don't work in stand-up. Part Three.
The Catholic Church is modernising these days. The other day I saw a newspaper advert from them, offering contraceptive advice... I say it's an advert, it was actually more of a pullout.
A pullout?
VOICE FROM THE BACK: Get off the stage! This is a Bar Mitzvah!
A pullout?
VOICE FROM THE BACK: Get off the stage! This is a Bar Mitzvah!
Jokes that just don't work in stand-up. Part Two.
I believe it was Forrest Gump that said, 'Life is like a box of chocolates.' I think this is fraudulent. Because to me, life is more like a kick in the nuts; quick, painful, and afterwards you need to lie down for a good while.
Monday 20 October 2008
Jokes that just don't work in stand-up. Part One.
As you may be aware, from time to time I am wont to take to the stage and say words that, in a certain order, will elicit shrieks of recognition from the assembled gawkers. Part of this strange vocation is testing out new material, and sadly, there are some "jokes" that never, or at least very rarely, elicit the aforementioned shrieks, no matter how loud I scream them at people from a stage, or a moving bus.
This series of blog posts will be dedicated to these nuggets of brilliance that, much like the works of Vincent van Gogh, will only be appreciated after my death, which will presumably come as a result of being savagely beaten by an exasperated audience. I hope this will give you a window into my creative process, and serve as a kind of 'Deleted Scenes" for my hackneyed and, let's face it, cack, stand-up routine.
Q. Why did Margaret Thatcher get bedsores?
A. Because this lady's not for turning!
Eh? Eh? Yeah, you love it.
This series of blog posts will be dedicated to these nuggets of brilliance that, much like the works of Vincent van Gogh, will only be appreciated after my death, which will presumably come as a result of being savagely beaten by an exasperated audience. I hope this will give you a window into my creative process, and serve as a kind of 'Deleted Scenes" for my hackneyed and, let's face it, cack, stand-up routine.
Q. Why did Margaret Thatcher get bedsores?
A. Because this lady's not for turning!
Eh? Eh? Yeah, you love it.
Tuesday 14 October 2008
CRUNCH!
I'm poor! So desperate am I, that I decided to rob a bank. I'm now in half a billion's worth of debt. I need a bailout!
This takes me back to my days as a bailiff, where I would visit the homes of people who hadn't paid back their student loans to repossess any knowledge they may have gained during their degree. 'Neither a borrower nor a lender be" said some bloke out of Hamlet. Wise words.
This takes me back to my days as a bailiff, where I would visit the homes of people who hadn't paid back their student loans to repossess any knowledge they may have gained during their degree. 'Neither a borrower nor a lender be" said some bloke out of Hamlet. Wise words.
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