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Friday 18 July 2008
Tuesday 15 July 2008
Upon hearing an intelligent debate about reality TV
MAN 1: What do you think of that Big Brother, eh?
MAN 2: Shit, innit?
MAN 1: Yeah.
MAN 2: Shit, innit?
MAN 1: Yeah.
Idea for a play...
Act One sees two well dressed men debating the virtues of the European Union Fisheries Commission. As the scene progresses, the debate becomes more heated and the two men can only resolve their differences with a sword(fish) fight. The sceptical man wins, but his victory is a Pyrrhic one because he is dying of bovine tuberculosis.
The curtain comes down for an interval, during which the audience can only buy heavily-salted snacks and no beverages.
Act Two is like Act One but funnier.
The curtain comes down for an interval, during which the audience can only buy heavily-salted snacks and no beverages.
Act Two is like Act One but funnier.
Feathers 'n' tackle
The national symbol of the United States of America is the Bald Eagle (Haliaeetus leucocephalus) because it is imposing, majestic, soaring, and has a brain the size of a pea. All joking aside, I think 'President' Bush gets off too easily with the whole 'stupid' routine. Because he's not stupid. He's just evil.
Some commentators (derived from the Latin word commentatrium, meaning idiot) believe that the Iraq War was a big misunderstanding, and that Vice-President Cheney merely misheard the President, who didn't say, 'I gotta drop a bomb on Iraq,' but rather said, 'I gotta drop my mom at Tie Rack.'
So remember, athough he may be chimp-like in appearance and unable to pronounce simple words like 'nuclear', George Bush is actually a very fierce intellect, and is a world expert in areas as diverse as American History, Spanish vintage wines, and cowardice in times of war.
Some commentators (derived from the Latin word commentatrium, meaning idiot) believe that the Iraq War was a big misunderstanding, and that Vice-President Cheney merely misheard the President, who didn't say, 'I gotta drop a bomb on Iraq,' but rather said, 'I gotta drop my mom at Tie Rack.'
So remember, athough he may be chimp-like in appearance and unable to pronounce simple words like 'nuclear', George Bush is actually a very fierce intellect, and is a world expert in areas as diverse as American History, Spanish vintage wines, and cowardice in times of war.
Libraries gave us power...
When I'm not chasing ostriches in my lie as a nightwatchman at a flightless bird farm (we also have some chickens that have been de-winged pre-mortem) I work in a university library.
This job invites a myriad of questions from users, as rich and varied as, 'Where is the Mills and Boon?', 'Will this air-horn disturb others?' and 'What are you doing here, I thought you'd been sacked?'
Naturally, such a demanding occupation comes with its own stresses and strains, and any kind of crossover from my other hobbies would create unneccessary friction. That's why I was somewhat perturbed when one of my colleagues found out I did stand-up comedy. Word soon spread and eventually I was jostled down to the lecture theatre to give an impromptu performance. Expectations were high and I was rather nervous, which reflected in the quality of my set. It was the first time I'd ever been shushed off stage.
Incidentally, many people ask me if it is true that the library can deny graduation to students who have failed to pay their fines, and previously I have refused to comment, on one occasion even resorting to climbing into a postbox to escape my inquisitors, but now, as I approach the end of my tenure at the library, I will address this issue once and for all.
The library does not prevent students from graduating; rather, it lulls them into a false sense of security for a few months, and then sends some guys round to their house to repossess any knowledge they may have gained during their degree.
This job invites a myriad of questions from users, as rich and varied as, 'Where is the Mills and Boon?', 'Will this air-horn disturb others?' and 'What are you doing here, I thought you'd been sacked?'
Naturally, such a demanding occupation comes with its own stresses and strains, and any kind of crossover from my other hobbies would create unneccessary friction. That's why I was somewhat perturbed when one of my colleagues found out I did stand-up comedy. Word soon spread and eventually I was jostled down to the lecture theatre to give an impromptu performance. Expectations were high and I was rather nervous, which reflected in the quality of my set. It was the first time I'd ever been shushed off stage.
Incidentally, many people ask me if it is true that the library can deny graduation to students who have failed to pay their fines, and previously I have refused to comment, on one occasion even resorting to climbing into a postbox to escape my inquisitors, but now, as I approach the end of my tenure at the library, I will address this issue once and for all.
The library does not prevent students from graduating; rather, it lulls them into a false sense of security for a few months, and then sends some guys round to their house to repossess any knowledge they may have gained during their degree.
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