Saturday 23 February 2008

I am bad at job interviews

As I mentioned in my previous post, my Achilles heel, if you will, is an inability to perform well in job interviews. I appreciate that we all have our strengths and weaknesses; a friend of mine is so poor at arithmetic that he once sold his house for what turned out to be a teabag, but my weakness is particularly debilitating.
Once, at an interview for the job of Junior Basket Weaver at the Wicker Institute, I became so flustered when the interviewer asked me if I would like a drink, that I shrieked for a full ten minutes. I just need to control my nerves.
Another problem is that I'm caught out easily. Once, an interviewer at the Cat Lover's Almanac asked me the question;

'If you were an animal, which animal would you be?'
To which I replied,
'Dogs, 'cause I fucking hate cats.'
I'm also rather accident-prone; at an interview in the Quality Assurance department at the House of VeryExpensive China, I fell out of a window.
I'm beginning to think that the 'lucky' tri-corner hat I wear to my interviews is not as good a talisman as the hobo who sold it to me had me believe.

Monday 18 February 2008

Netsam

It seems like a long time since I've written anything on here. I've not given up on it, I've just had an incredibly bad week. Pet deaths, failed job interviews, the smashing of a mobile phone; if I believed in God I would say something like, 'Oi, God, ease up will ya?' But I don't.
My bad luck was compounded last night when I stood outside a stage door in the intense cold for over six hours waiting to meet Stan Boardman, only to find out that I had him confused with Jimmy Tarbuck. Whoever said life was easy?

Friday 8 February 2008

Buzzards Celebrity Blog Number 2: Richard Nixon



'I'm not a crook,' he said. He was though.

Sunday 3 February 2008

Man 'shocked' by film

A man has told of how he was ‘shocked’ at the denouement of popular horror film The Sixth Sense.
Tom Hitchens told reporters how he ‘just didn’t see it coming’ and that the revelation of Bruce Willis’ character being a ghost ‘totally took [him] by surprise’, before adding, ‘how do they come up with it? Eh? Amazing.’

Buzzards Celebrity Blog Number 1: Stephen Hawking

Look at him, he's all paralysed and everything. And he talks like a robot. Brilliant.

Saturday 2 February 2008

Who do I think I am?

After partaking in a spot of genealogy this week, I discovered that my great-great-great-step uncle, thirteen times removed, is one Henrith Wilhelm-Smyth-Wilhelm Wilhelm; the inventor of the exclamation mark.
Apparently, he came upon the idea whilst reading the newspaper standing on his head, as was his wont. He noticed how the letter 'i' invoked strong feelings within him when he observed it in an inverted fashion.
His discovery took the world by storm, and is still popular today. In fact, top social networking site, Bebo, has reported that 97% of all the characters entered on its members pages are exclamation marks, the other three per cent being made up of lolz, fit and yeah?
Unfortunately, my uncle Henrith never got to bask in the glory of his discovery, as when he began to put it at the end of every sentence, even when attending funerals and 'black tie' cocktail parties, his family had him committed to a workhouse, where he died of chronic diarrhoea, a sock puppet his only companion.
It is an honour to come from such a noble lineage.