...whether since the passing of the 2005 law that Tom Baker must narrate everything, that he has amassed enough money to buy his own country. Bakerland, he'd call it.
Also, I wonder if, when he was a boy, the postman would stifle a chuckle when he saw a letter addressed to 'Master Baker'? I wager he would.
Wednesday 30 January 2008
Monday 28 January 2008
A question for Mr Jung
If, as you have said, we are all connected by our 'collective unconscious', or 'a reservoir of the experiences of our species', then why do I find buying lunch at Subway such a baffling ordeal?
Saturday 26 January 2008
Money
I often look at the large, spacious houses in the countryside with a degree of envy. Sure, my shed is roomy enough for me and my collection of Ric Flair memorabilia, but I wouldn't mind a bit of luxury every now and again.
I saw one house on the market for five million pounds once. That's a lot of ka-blingey no matter which way you slice it. I deduced that to afford that house on my current wages, I would have to save up for about four hundred and fifty years, by which time I'd probably only want a bungalow anyway.
I saw one house on the market for five million pounds once. That's a lot of ka-blingey no matter which way you slice it. I deduced that to afford that house on my current wages, I would have to save up for about four hundred and fifty years, by which time I'd probably only want a bungalow anyway.
Upon hearing intelligent conversation at the urinal trough
MAN 1: Hey. You've got a small knob haven't you?
MAN 2: Huh, well, your mom wasn't complaining last night. When I was doing her, like.
MAN 1: Oi! My mom's dead.
MAN 2: Yeah, exactly.
MAN 2: Huh, well, your mom wasn't complaining last night. When I was doing her, like.
MAN 1: Oi! My mom's dead.
MAN 2: Yeah, exactly.
Words I could stand to use more often
Imbibe.
Discotheque (pronounced phonetically)
Monocle (as above)
Mellifluous.
Hyphen.
Fats.
Discotheque (pronounced phonetically)
Monocle (as above)
Mellifluous.
Hyphen.
Fats.
Friday 25 January 2008
Why darts should never become an Olympic sport
MAN 1: Alright mate. I see you've got a gold medal there.
MAN 2: Yep, and so have you it seems.
MAN 1: Yes, yes. So, what's your event?
MAN 2: The decathlon. Running, swimming, cycling. And that. Very taxing stuff. What's yours?
MAN 1: What?
MAN 2: Your event. What is it?
MAN 1: (mumbles)
MAN 2: What?
MAN 1: Darts. It's darts. My event is darts.
MAN 2: You twat.
MAN 2: Yep, and so have you it seems.
MAN 1: Yes, yes. So, what's your event?
MAN 2: The decathlon. Running, swimming, cycling. And that. Very taxing stuff. What's yours?
MAN 1: What?
MAN 2: Your event. What is it?
MAN 1: (mumbles)
MAN 2: What?
MAN 1: Darts. It's darts. My event is darts.
MAN 2: You twat.
Monday 21 January 2008
Idea for a short story...
Man takes out his own eyes in an effort to look at his own face and is blinded as a result. Dedicates the rest of his life to running a sweet shop without sweets. His greatest pleasure is enticing children inside and then punching them in the face.
Thursday 17 January 2008
Work In Progress
What follows is an excerpt from my forthcoming bildungsroman novel about a boy becoming a man becoming a boy again before deciding the wages were better as a man and becoming a man again,
I was sitting in the study working on my calculus papers,
when my father burst into the room, a letter in his hand.'Son!' he cried, 'This is a letter from the King; it says
you are to go and fight in the Great War!''Oh my God!' I replied, 'Father; you're on fire!' He
surveyed me with a look of both sadness and pity, but I was right. He was on
fire.
Watch this space for further tantalising glimpses into the creative process of the writer top literary agents have deemed, 'unpublishable and of questionable morals.'
Wednesday 16 January 2008
Rules for surviving in the United Kingdom
As the Daily Mail is often telling us, more new people are coming to the UK every year. While some may see this as a bad thing, I'm not so convinced. Why just last week, a Swiss man saved me from being mauled to death by a Yorkshire Terrier.
What many 'commentators' seem to forget, is that relocating to a completely different country is an incredibly difficult and perilous thing to undertake. In an effort to make the transition that little bit easier, I have compiled a list of rules, aimed at helping the immigrant to become accustomed to the British way of life, and even more importantly, survive.
1. Always carry an umbrella. If it rains you will look prepared and people will respect you for it. If it doesn't, you will look like an ass, but at least you'll have an umbrella to defend yourself with.
2. If you are stopped by a policeman, never ever ask if he keeps his bribes under his hat, they don't like that.
3. If you are stopped by a policeman in a train station, never run away, no matter how late you are for work.
4. Never, under any circumstances, pronounce the second 'w' in a place name. Calling it Smeth Wick will only earn you the disgust and resentment of your co-workers.
5. If a person uses the word, 'great', they are probably being sarcastic. The best thing to do if it crops up is either to laugh, congratulate the person on being such an erudite wit, or simply walk into another room.
6. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are required to be nude in the presence of other men, always keep your eyes above 'sea level', and never congratulate a man on the majesty of his 'babymaker'. If you are a woman however, positive remarks, hugging and some fondling is always advisable.
7. If an associate or co-worker presents you with a stack of post-it notes and asks you to eat them for their amusement, you should always do it. If you don't, they won't do it again, but they'll never respect you.
8. Terrorise terrorists before they terrorise you.
9. Rape rapists before they rape you.
10. Murder murderers before they murder you.
11. Badger badgers before they badger you.
12. Hector Hector before Hector hectors you.
13. Burgle the Hamburgler before the Hamburgler burgles your burgers.
14. If you are ever invited to a glitzy, showbiz party, never look Cilla Black in the eye, she will kill you.
15. Hibernate during the months Big Brother is on.
I hope these guidelines will set you up for a long and happy stay with us here in Britain. Also, if you really like it here, then why not show your appreciation by making an anonymous donation to one of our hard-working politicians? If you give twenty grand to Alistair Darling now, you'll receive a free pair of comedy eyebrows!*
*While stocks last. Offer is conditional on donor shutting the fuck up about their generosity. Offer not open to any relatives, friends or co-workers of Mr Darling, nor anyone with a conscience for that matter.
What many 'commentators' seem to forget, is that relocating to a completely different country is an incredibly difficult and perilous thing to undertake. In an effort to make the transition that little bit easier, I have compiled a list of rules, aimed at helping the immigrant to become accustomed to the British way of life, and even more importantly, survive.
1. Always carry an umbrella. If it rains you will look prepared and people will respect you for it. If it doesn't, you will look like an ass, but at least you'll have an umbrella to defend yourself with.
2. If you are stopped by a policeman, never ever ask if he keeps his bribes under his hat, they don't like that.
3. If you are stopped by a policeman in a train station, never run away, no matter how late you are for work.
4. Never, under any circumstances, pronounce the second 'w' in a place name. Calling it Smeth Wick will only earn you the disgust and resentment of your co-workers.
5. If a person uses the word, 'great', they are probably being sarcastic. The best thing to do if it crops up is either to laugh, congratulate the person on being such an erudite wit, or simply walk into another room.
6. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are required to be nude in the presence of other men, always keep your eyes above 'sea level', and never congratulate a man on the majesty of his 'babymaker'. If you are a woman however, positive remarks, hugging and some fondling is always advisable.
7. If an associate or co-worker presents you with a stack of post-it notes and asks you to eat them for their amusement, you should always do it. If you don't, they won't do it again, but they'll never respect you.
8. Terrorise terrorists before they terrorise you.
9. Rape rapists before they rape you.
10. Murder murderers before they murder you.
11. Badger badgers before they badger you.
12. Hector Hector before Hector hectors you.
13. Burgle the Hamburgler before the Hamburgler burgles your burgers.
14. If you are ever invited to a glitzy, showbiz party, never look Cilla Black in the eye, she will kill you.
15. Hibernate during the months Big Brother is on.
I hope these guidelines will set you up for a long and happy stay with us here in Britain. Also, if you really like it here, then why not show your appreciation by making an anonymous donation to one of our hard-working politicians? If you give twenty grand to Alistair Darling now, you'll receive a free pair of comedy eyebrows!*
*While stocks last. Offer is conditional on donor shutting the fuck up about their generosity. Offer not open to any relatives, friends or co-workers of Mr Darling, nor anyone with a conscience for that matter.
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